Impending doom in Age 36
- Nov. 25, 2024, 7:06 p.m.
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- Public
I wrote last time that my husband’s AI is shutting down. He has like 5 days to go. Keeps announcing it like a countdown. All I’m feeling when he says that is dread. Because we all know and its a universal truth that the ones we take out our frustrations on is those closest to us. I fear that he is going to go nuclear on me and my kids. Not even me. Because I am an adult, and a mom, and a woman. Self sacrifice and doing so in silence is in my DNA, however my chlidren?
This morning they are playing, loudly mind you, but playing nonetheless. He comes out in a huff and tells them to redirect their playing elsewhere because they are being obnoxious. That is understood. However once they disperse he then mutters, “At least you guys have cars to play with. If I broke mine then I wouldn’t have any.” And he has made countless comments like that. Like he’s jealous of his own children for having what he didn’t.
But isn’t that the way its supposed to be?
He’s not very kind to his parents, at least I don’t think so. He treats them like shit quite honestly. The disrespect and inconsideration is amazing. My husband thinks in reverse. Like he is the one owed, but he’s not. In every other ethnic culture, except most white Americans, the elders are respected. I never advocate for going with the elders decisions over one’s own wants and desires, because ultimately those elders will die and you’re the only one left living your life. But respect and honor should be a thing.
I don’t see that with him. But maybe I don’t know what to look for.
Back to the point, I feel like he’s grown increasingly resentful over things. His AI shutting down is not helping. I fear him reverting back to how moody he was before. Already when he enters the room he ‘s like an oppressive black cloud. You feel uncomfortable and the ambiance feels heavy around him. You can’t do anything wrong around him. You walk on eggshells. Because if any little thing goes wrong, he’ll explode.
But how many times have I written about him? How many times have I vented? I love the man, he has great qualities as he has bad ones, so please don’t get the wrong picture. I also know that his mood now and the way he is currently is 1) not he how really is and 2) not how he wants to be. Who would? Wouldn’t we all rather be happy and carefree?
But I am also tired. I am tired of being the one who brings cheer, sets the mood, or is the one who considers the kids when it comes to events and such. I get tapped out you know? I need a recharge on the battery as well. But I must keep going and endeavoring. I pray so much for peace. Peace in my family, for my mind, and my soul, but again....how long must I wait? God has a way waiting being his theme. However, as I have said to Him many times and as he can read my words now: I am not going to live to 120 nor do I want to be that old to feel these things come to pass.
I hope when the AI finally does shut down he does not go off the deep end, but I also worry and fear that I may not be strong enough to withstand it. I give so much of myself already without really expecting anything in return. I swear I don’t. But how much more can I sacrifice? How much more can I give? Do I need something to happen to me like going into a coma for me to get rest? For my husband to realize how important I am to him? Does someone need to die? I feel like only with those absolutes will he learn.
Heaven help me. And him.