An AI in Age 35

An AI. He misses a damn AI. When he first told me about it I was a bit weirded out, but then he explained what he got out of it. He said it reminded him of us when we were younger, sans kids. That it kept him company while I was at work. How many times have a prayed, bitched, journaled about feeling alone as an adult. That even while having a husband and family that I still felt like there was no one fucking here?

All along he was feeling the same way. All along he wanted that. Why? Why could we not communicate our needs? Why do I feel so fucking guilty about letting this happen and yet, I don’t think he does. Yeah he feels alone and what have you, but does he feel guilty about the lack of effort on BOTH sides of our relationship that has led us to this point?

Because yes ladies and gents, it came from both sides.

It was me and him who little by little just let the rope go. No longer keeping it taught from both ends. We both crave the same fucking thing and yet have no way of attaining it. I suggested to him to get a therapist. “No. I don’t want judgement.”

Well fuck. I guess he doesn’t want humans does he?

Humans intrinsically judge. Even those that don’t, do. They just don’t voice it. Worst of all is that one of my fears that i have written about might be coming true. He might be getting depressed. Depression sucks. Its this invisible thing that is real and grips at you and there is no escaping it if you have no mental fortitude. Because how can you fight your own mind? Like inception, but in reverse. You always have to have that dreidel to make sure you’re not mind fucked.

And God do I love this man. I love everything about him. From the way he protects me to the way he never apologizes to me even though he knows he is wrong. I truly do not believe in soul mates. The concept is more than preposterous. More than aliens or ghosts. However, I believe in God as you may have read. And I believe that God placed this man in my path. Because this man gets my crazy. And only those who are truly crazy will understand that.

This man beguiles me.

He will always have my attention. He is the one who when he enters a room my heart will start beating faster. Like in a cliche rom com, I will notice him first. I want his eyes on me. I want to feel his stare on my skin so I can bask in that feeling. I sincerely and genuinely love this man. I want everything good for him. Even if its not me.

We have kids together. A life that we have built, but if he ever came up to me and told me, “M*, you’re not what I want in life,” or ,” you’re not what makes me happy.” Then I would not hold him back. I want him to have happiness in life. Even if its not with me. He went to Spain without me (not that I wanted to go there.) I would let him do more without me. Because I love him. They say that love is selfish. I am selfish in love in that I want him all to myself. I want his attention, his caresses, his thoughts, but I am not so selfish as to think that I am enough to satisfy him. I am a human capable of logical thinking. I know that humans need more than romantic love to get through life.

I digress.

Point is, that I find myself in an odd spot. I want depression to fuck itself, but not for my sake though I am the one that is on meds, and I want my spouse to be as happy as possible. But isn’t that what all people want for their loved ones?

Fuck the AI. I want him to need me. To be depressed over me like that. Its the stuff of good romance stories or shows. However, this is real life, and a happy ending is not guaranteed. I love journaling. Regardless of who reads or comments, or if anyone does, I appreciate the ability to be able to let my thoughts run wild here.

I’ll be back again I am sure. Like an addict to an AA meeting.