although i'm not a mom. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be completely responsible for just myself. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

so I’ve been watching ‘weeds’. online. it’s funny. I stopped watching cause I don’t like season 2 as much as season 1. the mom was saying how something about sometimes she wonders what it’d be like to only be responsible for herself. and I was like wow. yeah I get that now that’s how it is w/ evan even though he’s. um 29 and i’m 27. but we’re ass close ass a lot of siblings are without actually being so. I feel like I’ve known him forever.
he’s a lot. of um responsibility. i don’t mean that physically. that sounds weird saying that it’s like in that regard there’s some sort of hierarchy between us. no it’s just. it’s really hard to be his friend. he’s so depressed and he’s so stuck and he’s so sad. he’s paranoid. I mean that clinically. he believes in mental disorders but doesn’t label like. depression as such doesn’t talk about it in those terms whereas I do. I know his paranoia is part of his mental disorder but I don’t quite understand it. he thinks like if someone in I don’t know china gets into a car accident it somehow has to do w/ him even though it doesn’t. he knows I don’t believe him when he tells me that which probably. is ..........potentially damaging to him. that doesn’t help I realise and neither does convincing him that the example I just gave has nothing to do w/ him. which is why I don’t. I just either validate him and say stuff like ‘that sounds hard’ or i’m like ‘ok......’ like the way you sound when you don’t believe something. when we fight. it doesn’t go anywhere it’s not productive. it’s boring actually.
ya know. the days when I don’t see him when we haven’t made plans. yeah i’m disappointed but i’ll be walking around the mall or wherever and i’ll be thinking ‘oh so this what it’s like before he came into my life’, or something. but i’ll never have that before back. i’m not like. severely bothered by that or anything but i’m not a big fan of it. like yeah it’s a bit sad. um. oh, right. he needs help that I can’t give him but A: he won’t open up to anyone much less me and 2: I don’t want that. for anyone. bc yess i’m that conceited.
I know what it would be like to be completely responsible for just myself bc I’ve been there. before I knew him. which was. um.............2 yrs.strong text, 2 wks. and 2 dayss ago. we met the night before my 25th. [my bday’s aug. 17th]. wa my point to this long entry.