I'll Start The Engine in Hello

But I can’t take this ride for you…

Eric was my best friend for a long time. Countless hours of film watching, music listening, booze drinking, riding around finding places to park and hoof it on foot and take pictures/explore. I hadn’t seen him in person in at least five years till one day he stopped even replying to texts. Eventually my last message was good bye and I deleted his number.

The other day mom had an eye appointment at the Walmart near his house. I rode by to see he’s not living there anymore. No gonna lie, I stewed on it for a bit. Did he go back to San Diego like he had originally planned? Where is he exactly? People come and go in our lives everyday. That’s the thing to remember. One day you’ll be saying bye to a friend so that the next day you never see them again. It happens. Fact of life.

I had a very surreal dream that I was in a bar hanging out with all my old friends. But no one remembered me. No one. It left me feeling lost and empty today. Ben Folds once sang, “It sucks to grow up.” So true.

Earlier tonight I got a craving for alcohol because of the negative feelings. (Like clockwork, ha ha ha.) Anyways, I’ll skip the BS. I went to Circle K under the guide of getting a Mt. Dew Icee. I stepped into the cooler where they stock all the packaged beer and looked from drink to drink. I mentally asked myself will it be worth it. The fights, the further alienation of family, friends, how many jobs I’ve lost, my health, etc…

Ultimately I answered no, got my Icee and left. No matter how down I get sometimes I have to stare down my demons literally face to face and deny it.

On the ride to the store these two songs put me in a better frame of mind.

I forced myself to sing along with this next one.

I’m feeling better…ish.

Just feeling lonely.