October 30 – what has meaning? in Scott

Everything I own, all the people in my life, and even my thoughts have some meaning or not. Writing this has meaning because I’m hoping it will help me come to some answers.

When I was a child, I had toys that I played with and then I did not. They lost all meaning and important in my life.

When I was young, I collected many books of fiction. Horror, science fiction, fantasy sword, and sorcery heroic fantasy. Years ago, I gave that all away because it no longer had any meaning to me. I gave away almost all the books I owned. They were just paper to me. When I was a boy and a teenager, I collected fantasy and science fiction posters. I had such a passion for them. I once had an apartment with the walls filled with such posters. People would enter my apartment look around in wonder. Eventually, they all had no meaning to me and I gave them away.

Throughout my life, I have had electronic toys and record albums. I gave away because I moved onto CDs. I gave away the CDs after converting the music to computer files. I have now headphones, a computer, large TV Internet and I stream movies if I want to see any. Oh yes, I once had many VHS cassettes I gave away. Long ago. I once had a waterbed that I realized was a genuine stupid thing to own, and I cannibalized it for the wood and got a conventional bed.

There were women I knew that I thought I loved that I tried to be friends with, and the meaning to each other was just not there. I loved and lost a few times and overtime. I’ve seen the meaning of the relationships as being lessons in life. I recently found a note from a lover long ago. It was proof to me that someone had loved me and I had loved them. I reached out to her with a very nice note on Facebook some weeks ago, and there was no reply and that’s OK because I have no meaning to her and what we had Only had importance and value in the past

My memories of the past are like photographs that I wonder about the meaning of. I was recently on a website that people could connect with people from their high school with. I realize that my memories of high school were only ugly and faded like old black and white photographs. Some people I found remembered me for the stupid stuff I did and I realized there was no point in holding onto three years of my life. Three horrible years. Fortunately, I only have some vague memories of that time and few of any photographs. I think of the few friends that I had back then. We were friends then and that’s where it ended. And that’s OK. It’s like friendships have meaning for a while then not. Yes that and that happened, but that has no meaning now. No value. For a while I grieved the loss of a job I had for 40 years. But fortunately, I’ve been able to look around in the present and go that was then this is now.

In the past, I would wallow in memories of the past, but I realized it only made me depressed. There is an idea that when it comes to possessions, if you have not used something for years or even thought of using it to toss it. It becomes clutter. I think of the photographs I had in paper form with negatives as well saved. I have not looked at those in years. And I think the only reason to have such things are to tell myself and others if interested yes I did know that person. Yes I was young. Yes, I had those people as parents. I had a dog. I had some birds I was a child. I was a teen. I was a man. as far as loves lost take my word they happened. It was too painful to hold onto photographs of past lovers.

What has meaning what does not? My birds give me a reason to live, and most of my possessions are now utilitarian. A few weeks ago I found some old books that had sentimental value, and I threw them away. I was curious what I would feel. They were signed by people that gave them as gifts. All of whom are dead now. They have no meaning.

When I die people, someone will look at my possessions, and my high school diploma will have no meaning to them and the only reason I keep it is proof that I once spent three years in hell. I’ve realized I don’t want to go back to my childhood in my mind and memory. It’s clutter now like so many other memories. I think of how when my parents died. The family went through their possessions, and it was very little that was saved. There is only one thing that my dead brother owned that was saved, and that was a Christmas stocking someone made for him that I keep. When Scott is dead, some of my possessions will have value to someone. I doubt if my memory or the memory of me will have much value. It will fade. this body in mind that I nurture so much we have no meaning and it’s all OK. Like the toys in my youth, the books, the artwork, and so much more it was valuable. It had meaning for a while, but like everything else, it went away, and I will go away.

I like the idea of not having clutter. Living people have meaning to me. My birds are like gods to me that I worship and serve, and it gives me joy. They give me a reason to live. Feeding squirrels and other animals gives my life meaning. Smiling and waving at someone a neighbor were stranger gives my life meaning. So much I had has no meaning but now at this time in my life very simple things have great joyful meaning. Things people living in the present, not in some dead past.