laughable in Each Day

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I got written up.

I’m not even going to try to say it was not justified. There are aspects that they are 100% correct about. But they also put in the part about my leave as if I hadn’t planned the leave first. And they also put in the fact that I balked at training someone when I had 10 orders to write in the next week. I said I don’t agree with it as it is, and when he asked what I had a problem with I pointed out those two, but then said, I would like some time to sit with this because I don’t operate well on the fly and when I’m already emotionally amped up. We have a meeting tomorrow at 930.

I had already sent Old Boss the email detailing my issue with the leave situation, so when I found out about the “feedback note” I was like, well, this is awkward.

A lot was said when Old Boss and I talked this afternoon. At one point I said that I have been considering going to health services and requesting a sick leave because shit is not good in my head. I asked him, “What do I need to disclose [to management], that I’m struggling?” And he said, medically, nothing. Shortly after he asked if he “knew everything” that I was going through (I am very frank with him but I don’t talk openly about suicidal ideation because I know it freaks people out if they don’t deal with it themselves). I told him that he doesn’t know everything and he seemed to consider that. At one point I told him that looking forward to this week with my kitten was “the only thing keeping me here”, and I didn’t really realize that I’d said that until a bit later.
I really do respect and admire him. He’s incredibly kind, a rare quality among the men in my organization. He’s so funny, too, and I suspect unintentionally so. I watched him put his hat on forwards, then immediately flip it backwards, I could see the realization on his face that he’d done it, and immediately flipped it forwards again. It was one of those moments where the internal process seems like it was written right on his face. I really enjoy moments like that. At one point I started crying and reflexively apologized and he said, “it’s okay. Would you like a kleenex? It’s high quality single ply” very sarcastically. I didn’t take one right away, but kept crying intermittently and eventually he said, “are you going to take one?” I laughed and said, “I probably should, my pants are getting wet” cause I kept wiping my tears with my hand and then wiping my hand on my pants.
At one point he said, “Please stop saying you were “written up”.” Because apparently when your supervisor has to correct you to the extent that I was being corrected it’s not “discipline”. Horseshit. It was a series of complaints, some legit, some overblown, and “corrective steps” to get me out of this slump. If that’s not getting written up I don’t know what is.

It still blows my mind that this is happening a week after I went to them saying I was struggling. Even THAT was on the write-up-not-write-up, “did not effectively communicate they were struggling”. Uhm. Eat shit.

The work isn’t even the problem. The [lack of] direction is the fucking problem. And this is something I need to talk to my doctor about, because I don’t have accommodations for ADHD at work, only when I’m in training. And clearly this shit has got to change. ADHD was the catalyst for my problems at work, and my mental health deteriorated my ability further and now I’m so deep in this hole I don’t know how to climb out.

I’m still hemming and hawing about whether or not to contact health services tomorrow. Talking to Old Boss he was like, “maybe that is exactly what you need” which felt so validating in the moment. But honestly I was turned away so many times the last time shit was bad, I don’t know if I could handle that right now. But the sliver of hope of some time off, a hard reset, I feel like it would do me some good.
I guess I have my answer.

I just want to settle under the comforter in the big bed with M and Valentino and teeny tiny Cosmos and never ever come out.