Just Normal in 2024

I want to be normal.
Yes, I know, “normal is just a setting on a laundry machine.”
But I want it.
Shit, I can’t even be normal while quoting a quote about being normal.
Laundry machine?!
It’s a fuckung washing machine you stupid bitch.
Stop being fancy.
I get that I’ll never be “normal” in my speech, or dress, or what I like. I get that and that aspect of me is….fine.
I like what I like, dress how I dress, and talk the words I like to talk.
What I want is a normal brain.

I’m serious.
It’s so exhausting.
I want to be able to live without medication to shut my fucking brain up.
I’m not saying taking medication is bad. I’ve been on it for years, y’all know that.
But having to be on three antidepressants AND bipolar medications just to get out of bed is ridiculous.
The fact that I am so dependent on this medication that if I miss two days I am a quivering pile of self loathing is beyond not okay.

So, this is where I am at right now.
Dana is coming home for Thanksgiving. He will be here Wednesday and will stay until Sunday, I believe.
Instead of being excited, my fucked up brain has to kick in and piss on my party.

“He’s not coming. He is going to have some excuse to cancel.”
“Don’t buy the food for Thanksgiving dinner yet because he isn’t coming.”
“If he does come, he is just coming down to get his shit and break up with you.”
“He doesn’t really want to come, he just feels obligated and sorry for you.”
“Oh, you think everything is ok? Nope, it’s not.”
“Don’t buy that Christmas ornament for him cause he’s just gonna break up with you.”

For the record, he has said nothing to even hint towards any of this.
It’s all me!
I’m so messed up I can’t even let myself be happy.

I’ve been doing so good lately.
I’ve been being positive and (if you can believe it), excited.
Ive been working hard to get the new house ready for him to come home.
Keeping the negative thoughts at bay.

Then I forget to take my meds for two days. I couldn’t find them in all the bags and boxes.
Now I’m here.
Why???

I love him and I know he loves me.
I know this.
Why can’t I just trust what I know is true??? I used to be able to.
Why can’t my messed up brain just be normal and let me be happy?!

Edit: fast forward two hours later and my, newly found, meds have kicked in and I feel like a jackass for writing the above entry.
But I’m not going to delete it cause this is my life.