October 25 in Scott

Much as I speak against it, I find myself looking backwards into my past so much. I don’t want to remember any of it, but it comes back to haunt me. For example, dreams have bits of my past sprinkled in them. Such as last night, some strange stuff about my ex-wife. I wonder if the Prozac is making me dream more I did read something about dreams or excessive dreaming is a side effect of it.

I realize that for many years, I’ve tried to press or not think about so much in the past it’s not worth analyzing because it is the past and it cannot be changed. Deal with the present that can be changed. I think since I retired in life has changed so much for me that I look back and I understand so much of what happened and how I was. For example, my father was like a god to me, and it was sacrilege to think negatively of him for so long. I see him now as a man. A very fraud man. Long ago I understood my mother and I felt a sadness about it, but it was a different time. Her whole life depended upon my father. She was a captive to her family, which she was very devoted to. It’s all she had.

Thankfully, there is little if any drama in my life these days. I am one of the most boring people I’ve ever known. I do not do anything a note or say anything of importance I feel. And that’s OK that’s just fine. I never realize that a simple lack of drama Could feel so good. For my biggest adventure to be grocery shopping once a week.

When I was young I saw old people sitting all day, staring at the TV. I thought how sad it was that they did not do anything. Then I became what is considered an old person, and I found myself using the Internet most of the day. One of my greatest concerns being sitting so much. Today for the first time, it occurred to me that I could soon be of an age where somebody took control of my life and put me in some kind of center for old people. It is encouragement for me to get more exercise. Be more active. Take better care of my health. I’ve always enjoyed my independence.

I’ve realized that when there is very little in the present to be concerned about people may automatically stir backwards inside for some entertainment. Reliving adventures, drama, stupidity, and nobility. I try not to regret anything, but I do regret not having created any lasting romance.

Time to sleep and go back to the past in jumbled dreams that may be part of alternate universe selves. Damn I do not want to see my ex-wife again in my dreams.
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