anxiety in Each Day

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. My brain has been fighting me on everything. I went back to work after our little anniversary extended long weekend to find out that I was put on a task that had me interacting with some people very senior to me. Normally this type of visit is handled by an office higher than mine, but my boss put me in charge of it. I get the impression he’s doing these things to give me opportunities to stretch my legs, prove myself, etc. I appreciate the faith, but I also don’t really want the responsibility. I’m learning that I just want to do the work, I don’t want to climb any sort of promotional ladder (promotion is so far off for me, like 5 years-ish, and I can barely look to next year let alone five). I spent two days trying to suss out what everyone wanted from the visit and writing the order. It was interesting work. But it’s also not really what I’m supposed to be doing in my position.

Sunday night though, I started feeling this tension, resistance, paralysis. There are some rites and rituals that I have either not done since I started this job, or that I’m just not comfortable with my memory and I’m constantly afraid of doing something that will “get me in trouble”. This feeling has been coming up a lot lately. It came up in a conversation with Old Boss a few weeks ago and he chewed on the idea so much that he texted me later that day to ask if we could chat about it. I told him it’s a trauma response and doesn’t have to do with my feelings at work (which is only partially true, else I wouldn’t be writing this).

But right now I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things. Something I’d otherwise sink my teeth into is paralyzing me and my brain feels like its full of bees, and I can’t think, I can’t focus, I can’t remember. So I keep fucking up. And then it’s a vicious cycle/self fulfilling prophecy.

At some point in my agonizing I realized that I was required on a Wednesday afternoon, which is therapy day once every 3 weeks. I checked my calendar and of course it was a therapy day. I agonized over whether I should reschedule, what that conversation with the big boss would look like if I prioritized my MH over work. I had tried reframing this very stressful situation as “an opportunity”, and reminding myself that I always expect the worst and the worst probably isn’t going to happen etc. But then I also thought about the fact that I have considered not existing almost every day (if not every day) for the last… month? Maybe longer?

This morning I went into work, took a tally of pressing issues and set to work. Almost immediately I hit a roadblock (god damn formatting on Word forms, what the actual fuck is wrong with Word that it totally ignores the formatting you’re using and is just like, “here’s this completely random format that you didn’t ask for”, and then you have to figure out how to unfuck things).
I asked for help from my supervisor, and then I asked if we could talk personally, and I basically told her everything. I haven’t been able to figure out if she’s trustworthy or a company person. I know she has her own gripes about who we work for, but I also feel like I’ve been left hanging on a few not-dire occasions, so the verdict is still out. But I’ve also gotten to a point where if I am telling you about the hell I suffer inside my own head and you find a way to use it against me (that has not happened, for the record, but M constantly warns me that it will, it’s only a matter of time).

I just had a thought. M said to me a few weeks ago that I can’t “put all my eggs in one basket” with Old Boss, because he won’t always be around. And yes, he’s correct. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t rely on him while I have his support. This speaks less of reality and more to M’s thinking - everyone will leave you so why put your faith in them - and he makes a little more sense to me when I have these moments of realization.

Anyway, so after I got back from lunch I got pulled into Old Bosses office to chat about what my supervisor clearly told him about (which, like, yes this is what we do in this organization). He asked how they could support me. I told him honestly I don’t even know what is wrong right now, let alone what I need to feel better.

We chatted about a variety of things. I tried explaining to him about masking, about fitting in at work (as opposed to belonging in this organization), and how constantly feeling like an outsider eats at me. I don’t know how to get the me that I like and the me I am at work to exist in harmony. I don’t know what is a mask, sometimes. I know that smiling at people at work is often not reciprocated and yet I can’t seem to stop doing it. I don’t want to be a person who doesn’t smile at others. But getting “fucked off” by people multiple times a day, when they walk by without even acknowledging there’s another person in the vicinity… I don’t want to be a person who always expects betrayal (like M). I lay myself pretty bare at work, I talk about ADHD, I talk about being in therapy, I talk about being closeted (and why I won’t do it anymore). I want to be the lighthouse for others who struggle.

I can honestly say that since CK left I have not had a friend at work. I mean, I would love to consider Old Boss a friend, but his position of being in charge of me makes that a bit of a weird space. And he has approximately six thousand children, so his “free time” isn’t exactly free.
I’m friendly with the guy I sit beside, and the other guy I supervise. But we’re not the “let’s grab a drink after work” kind of friendly. There isn’t a single person I would actually want to spend extracurricular time with (There is one exception, she and I went to a Home Show last spring, but she’s currently away for 6 months).

I’ve been seriously considered trying to get a different Federal position. Or hell, even a fucking provincial one. But I’m still afraid of stepping foot into the corporate world again. I know “problems at work” are handled a lot differently, I almost can’t be fired (I’d have to do some pretty egregious shit). But I don’t know how long I can keep avoiding the problematic parts of who I work for. I’m trying my damnedest to make a difference, but in 6 years I have been consistently shown that they are not willing to do the work to achieve the change they say they want. I’m cool bashing my head against a wall I believe in, but I’m beginning to think that I am not cut out to do this on top of the silly horseshit of the day to day.

blech.

Gym. Tomorrow. Fucking do it. I need to start. Might as well be tomorrow.