Time in Journal

Votex and Portals.

My time has shifted. I’ve had startling revelations where I realized it was me, always me, talking to myself through time. I can’t really explain it, of course. I only have the experience. And it is very new. But I know it is right… It is the only explanation that fits with the physics of a Free Will universe. Since, I must always bear the responsibility for my decisions, it would violate this law for an unchosen intervention to be imposed upon me against my Will. And not to say that that can’t happen, but once one decides and goes all in on the Free Will side, the Christ side, he really does step in and protect you from things being imposed. It is a weird sort of imperviousness. But nothing at all has any power whatever against Christ.
If anything convinced me of the reality that Christ is the center of power in this realm, it is just that only Free Will can ever lead to Christ, and only the imposition or force of that which is not willed can only come from evil, or anti-Christ beings.

That said, I just had a wild moment of going back in time to my young self who, seemingly without her choice, free will, or consent, experienced much. There are several that I’ve realized were actually a time vortex, but one in particular I find myself keeping in mind right now.
It all has to do with a young man approaching me in my late teens or early twenties. There were plenty of these instances, and they were all very similar;
I am in a state of profound dissociation in a public space, and when I return to my body, I find myself first puzzled, then full of stark terror, to realize that I had been making eye contact with someone- a stranger- who is now approaching me with intent. And that intent was, as far as I could tell, entirely benevolent.
A string of reactionary behaviors would happen after one of these instances; I would, I’m sure, turn pale and look frightened, which does lend itself to dissuading any would be benevolent approaches. I would become physically tense, look down and not look up again, purposefully start gathering my things and high tail it.
IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy, where one gains the the recognition and appreciation for their own seemingly dysfunctional and harmful parts for their intervention which created the possibility of survival and healing to wholeness at some future time. So having done that, I have no blame for the way that I acted or felt. I have gained not only an appreciation for the apparent anti-social and destructive behaviors that were woven into my young mind and body, but also recognition of the positive External Family System which acted upon me to create even this, present gratitude.
Now I want to expand and explore what I mean, because, very often I hear the eager bias of acquaintances urging me; “Do you think you will restore your relationship with your parents?!” I can only but laugh and feel a sort of sympathy for this very focused attention on appeasing the parent body. No, I do not see any possibility of me restoring anything with my parents. It is an impossibility; I have no relationship to restore. The parent has, always and forever, 100% ownership of the parent-child relationship. There is nothing at all for me to do.
What I mean by the External Family System is the effect that my parents imparted onto me in forming my experiences. This is entirely impersonal, and has nothing to do with their individual personality or choices; it is as if they were robots programed to do certain things. That is the way I can distinguish, anyway, between the effect of their choices, and their choices, which are the individually defining aspects of them as personalities. As I’ve stated before, I already spent a lot of time - years- speaking to them about their choices, and have complete clarity about who they are, and also who they claim they are. i
So rather what I mean, when I say External Family System, is the outside influences which came into me when I was being formed. Because it seems to me that without these influences, I would not have anything to reflect on, now, as I gain innerstanding of the forces which were imposed upon me in order for me to push back against and choose a direction in which to grow. Herein lies the magic of our reality in which it really is a pure and exclusive Free Will universe. Because I can see and accept that easily I could have chosen the path and understanding that outside forces are unjust, coincidental, happenstance harbingers of meaningless suffering over which I had no choice or influence or control. And that is a choice- a Free Will choice. And, I suppose with more difficulty, I can take the choice that I am now on, which is a Free Will choice to create meaning and purpose out of these outside influences. It really is a choice to engage with these forces and to focus my perception on them as powers that provide me shape; form; resistance against which to lean; direction; definition; exercise; you name it.
You know, I am not against the idea that good people do things which creates suffering for others… that is really what a good parent does. A good parent frustrates their children. Frustration is a form of suffering which impels the child to solve his or her own dilemma. A bad parent solves the child’s dilemma and thereby steals the child’s right to be challenged and to grow. All I’m saying is that, just because I appreciate the growth principle that is more or less the physics of this world does not mean that my parents, or yours, are good people. But it “was” their stubborn refusal to leave behind their own abuse that taught me to never do the same. I will not impose my beliefs on my children; and that is hard. It’s really hard, actually, and harder because of my own indoctrination and conditioning. But as far as I am able, I’ll not do it.

And so, as I develop a true sense of Gratitude in the most profound sense I can imagine, I see that I would absolutely choose to suffer in the ways that I did, if it means that I get to create my own meaning and purpose out of it. If I get to grow and develop the very thing that I AM through resistance and suffering, then bring it on. And I feel almost a tad melancholic that I did so quickly gain this perspective in life. Because it might mean that most if not all my suffering is past and all that is left, now, is to make meaning out of it. Yet that really is a joy that I can’t wait to fully participate in.