The Cost Of Giving Up in I'm Just Snacking 2024

I don’t like how I feel mentally, physically, or spiritually today.

How about I list the triggers:
1. It’s October
2. It’s beautiful outside
3. I don’t have much pain
4. I feel that something is wrong

I might add to that list, but those are the ones on my mind at the moment.

1. I’ve been feeling off since the beginning of the month, because, October. Will my fucking brain ever let that shit go? Been well over a decade and I still fall into this weird mental state that I can never put my finger on, but it bothers me so much I get paranoid about my thought process, and a certain someone’s thought process too.

2. And the weather is that typical mid-season “Jacket in the morning, shorts in the afternoon.” It’s not like this doesn’t happen every year. but it still triggers me. I wish for the technology to remove those memories a-la Eternal Sunshine style.

3. I know logically the reason why the pain isn’t bad in the least is that I’m not busting my ass (pun intended) working for everyone, I’ve been pacing myself instead of pushing through it like I’ve always done, and the addition of Norflex to my regimen.

Why does this give me anxiety? This is hard to explain. It’s not only the “pain fear”, y’know when you feel good, do way too much without thinking, then pay the price for days if not weeks. But have I been overreacting? Being a big baby? Will those who helped through the crowdfund think it was an act and hate me forever? If I just took a few fucking weeks off to heal, that would have been it, and I could have maybe retained my clients, and not end up on the streets broke as I am heading in that direction.

I have more to say on this, but the list above is telling me to keep on track.

1. For a few weeks I’ve been feeling like there’s something wrong with me physically. Other than developing a cough (stress smoking, allergies) I’ve just been dealing with my normal broken parts. Nothing weird going on, but several times a day “I’m dying. I have cancer” goes through my head. This could be caused by the lack of pain freaking out my brain because something is ALWAYS wrong with me, so when nothing is wrong, something even WORSE is wrong. I fear being labeled. hypochondriac, drug seeker, drama queen, attention whore. Even when something Is wrong, I don’t say anything until it’s seriously serious due to those reasons.

I just hate having all of it running around my head. Fight, Flight, Freeze happens a lot because of it.

I’m going to sit on it until my appointment with the Chiro and go from there. They may order an MRI or other rads, or not. ::sigh:: I’m overdue for labs, but have to find a new doctor due to MO health, so I’m waiting until that happens, too.

ALL OF THIS IS..... annoying me. ALL OF THIS on top of ALL THE OTHER SHIT?

I’m really not feeling mentally stable at all.