Get on that plane in Adventures in paradise

I feel like I should have a spell-book or my own witches cauldron with the amount of shit I'm consuming to try and help myself lol.  The spellbook can be my library of self-help books and the cauldron can be the eye-of-Newt - bubble bubble toil and trouble, and all that jazz.

I just spent another $100 on vitamins, none of which will probably work, but I am throwing what I can at this.  I finally got some green-lipped-mussel, which my friend Steve raves about, but then again he raved about the krill oil, but has since moved on to the green-lipped mussel from that.  I didn't think the krill oil did much for me anyway, so might as well give this a go.  Apparently it's amazing for joints, but I have to take it with tumeric, so go me.  I would have felt better just handing over $100 to the homeless rather than three bottles of pills.  I had to get my cholesterol meds anyway, so bought it all there.  I took it very late today, since I forgot to grab it yesterday after work and I ran out, so I hope it doesn't matter that I've taken it 12 hours after I normally do.  I need enough to last me two weeks in Taiwan anyway. So I'm loaded up on goodies for the cauldron-broth and I've got my heat-belt on, as my back is still fucked and sore, and it's been a week now ergh, so gym's been out of action too.  

I started some duolingo classes and I had to select Chinese, as there doesn't seem to be a Taiwanese or Mandarin option.  I do think they are quite similiar to pretty much the same though.  I just can't mention China in Taiwan, much like how the TV went blank when I was in Beijing whenever something about Hong Kong or Taiwan was mentioned.  My friend Peter still finds that hilarious.  I'm wondering if the same will happen when I watch TV in Taiwan - re-China.

I did briefly see something about China exercising their military-muscle near Taiwan yesterday, so I'll be keeping an eye on the smarttraveller website just in case, but I'm not too worried.  I'm more concerned about my anxiety having a flare up right as I need to head to the airport.  It's literally a week away.  I'm pretty excited to be honest.  I'm trying to tell myself I am more excited than anxious, but yesterday was a pretty rough day, and it's probably because of how sore I am, plus all the subconscious shit going on with my dad (who I still don't know if is still dying or not or if he will decide to kick the bucket once I land overseas) and work's been busy as fuck too, as I'm trying to complete as much as I can before I leave.  

I'm annoyed at company tactics lately today as well.  I bought travel insurance (as I don't want to not have it incase I break a leg overseas), so I went to Covermore (who I used when I went to Europe) and their website clearly stated that if I listed my anxiety as a pre-exisiting condition, it would be covered for free, but only if I listed it.  Cue me listing it, and my quote doubled!  LOLz.  So I said, 'Fuck you' to the screen, clicked the 'x' in the top right-hand corner, and went to a competitor, who were actually cheaper anyway.  Fucking dodgy.  I just can't stand shit like that.  

Anyway, I'm all sorted now.  I'm just awaiting a travel-adapter to arrive in the mail, although in dumb-me style, I forgot to add my entire address in the delivery-field, so I had to adjust it immediately, but who knows if they'll actually take note of anything other than getting the moolah.  I just don't trust companies these days.  And it happened twice.  The first time, I noticed the address was correct, but it listed my suburb as the next one over (it has the same postcode), so I amended that (as there was an option to do so), but then I noticed I didn't input my unit number (^rolls eyes^), so I had to do it again!  I'm just trying to learn some basic lingo, because right now, I only know 'thank-you' and 'water' - which hopefully will be all I need to get by for two weeks.  I do need to learn the word for 'toilet' I suppose.  I figure I will point to things on menu's.  I don't even have many conversations in my own country, so I can't imagine I'll be striking up one with a local Taiwanese guy, or girl.  

Speaking of, I think I convinced Harris to want to meet up with me this weekend, so I'm excited for that.  We've still been flirting pretty hardcore.  I'm gonna meet him when he finishes work.  Hopefully I can get some tips from him on things to see in Taipei, if he knows any.  I didn't really get much info out of him last time, for some reason.  I don't believe he's from the capital.  My friend Ivan has been quite helpful with advice too, which I appreciate.  I'm so excited for the trip, but I won't know for sure until I get there and get a feel of the culture.  I remember in Beijing on my first day, it took me about a day to even get the confidence to cross the road.  When I saw a dog do it, I thought, "If a dog can do it, I can too!"

I know I have to pick up my sim-card at the airport when I arrive.  I hope that I can sleep on the plane okay, but I also know I have never slept a wink on planes during overseas trips, as they are too few and far between, and I've always been too excited (mind in overdrive, as usual), so that should be reason enough to keep my anxiety at bay, but I feel like it may work against me this time.  As we know, it can be a real bitch, and I definitely didn't even have noticable symptoms of this back in 2018/2019, which was the last time I went overseas.  Everyone else just goes to sleep like it's totally normal.  Damn seasoned travellers, without anxiety lol.  It must be nice to be normal.  I'm looking forward to seeing how my mind reacts once I'm there - if it'll go into overdrive or if I'll be alright and it leaves me alone to enjoy myself.  I know I'm meant to be aware of it and not read too much into it, but I know myself too well - it'll be in overdrive on the plane, as I won't know what to expect.  I intend to keep myself busy.  I just gotta get myself on the damn plane to start with!  I'll be meditating just as much there as I do here at home, that's for sure.  I think this is a life-long thing for me now, no matter where I go.  I'm still searching for the correct key.

I feel my gut health is very connected to this.  If my gut-health is off, I usually don't feel good, and my mind follows.  So I need to look into that.  You are what you eat, as they say.  "An apple a day", and all that.  One, of a few, books I'm reading at the moment is one I actually found at the gay bookshop, called "The Myth Of Normal", and I'm quite enjoying that so far.  Very early days.  

I'm still disassociating quite badly, and I wish I knew how to calm it.  I know it's a common anxiety symptom, and the worst of (for me, by far), but my therapist doesn't think it exists.  Or rather, completely dismissed my feelings.  I'm still mad at her.  I don't want to give her anymore money because of it.  It's clearly happening to me and I only know of one trick to keep it at day - hot/cold exposure therapy - to shock my system.  But it always returns.  I keep telling myself that if some shit in my life can just calm the fuck down, then this will subside.  But my dad keeps trying to be independant and keeps having falls, and is probably going to break something soon, and then he'll really be fucked.  His doctor doesn't know how much longer the trial pills will be effective for.  As he was given a few weeks to live, over two months ago now.  So they are clearly doing something. 

And then the apartment I'm renting is up for sale, so I don't know if that means I need to move out or not.  There is an open-home this Saturday, which I need to make myself scarce for.  Where do I hide all my shit?  I don't want strangers seeing my family photos, and looking at the ingredients for my witches-caldron in my bathroom cupboard.  What about all my gay cushions?  One has an artistic picture of a guy in a suit fucking someone, so their legs are spread lol.  Another has a picture of a door wide open with a shadow standing there with the caption, "You look nothing like your profile picture!" I've only been able to bring those out again since I have a gay housemate again.  I guess I have to stuff those in a cupboard before the weekend.

There's just too much uncertainty in my life and I'm finding the amount of "grounding" I'm needing to do to remind myself to stay in the present, a little overwhelming in itself.

One more week to overthink shit before I can change my environment, even if temporarily for a while.  Which is why I need to get on that plane.