I Guess.. in A Ways Away

These past few months have been difficult to keep up with. One minute, I gained something and the next, it was gone again. An internet best friend decided to retire from the world of (silly) Roleplaying. At least six years between them and myself, of creating worlds and characters with background stories that were almost too deep for us at times. Exploration seemed endless and the discussions of how to proceed were always amazing. I respect their wish to vacate from these worlds– our worlds. They have done this a few times before, but managed to return after a while; there’d even been a time where they disappeared without notion. However, I feel that this will be the final time and they’ll never return (as they mentioned in our last conversation). To be honest, knowing this, didn’t feel as bad as it had before.. and then it came to mind that perhaps I’m over writing as well.

There are new writers, new people, new styles, new characters and while there is nothing wrong with diversity, I suppose that I am just too old to adjust, though not unwillingly. The reality for me that I once thought that I would never want to face, is right in front of me. I need to let this go. A lot of things have been brought into a very crystal clear perspective, whereas, if I’d been confronted with this anywhere between 3-7 years ago, I wouldn’t have even been able to fathom the idea of giving up writing– Roleplaying.

I have spent more than two decades, writing these silly little things; growing these minds, these personalities, people with faces that were imagined.. but have never written a book. Strangely enough, this has come upon me in a realization more then ten years ago, when I’d written a character I thought was original, only to read a book in which the author’s character was near exactly like my own– and I’d never read the book before that moment. Repetition. Just as most people tend to say that history repeats itself.. I suppose that fictional stories do, as well.

This friend of mine also brought up the important part about Religion.. and before some of you reading this, begin to wrinkle your noses, know this.. I am not the textbook Christian that most people tend to have a view on and apparently, neither was my friend. For all intents and purposes, myself and them.. wrote things that are definitely frowned upon the the religion we know, beneath the one person we know that would cast judgement upon us on the day that it is meant to be given.. and this friend told me that along with a few other things in realization, it was time that they close the chapter and turn to the real disciple they are meant to be, while following Him. That resonated with me and I realize this. I just need to work on my self-control and my weakness of turning back to this one thing because while I love writing, there is nothing good within it, that is holy.

Of course, I am not pure and I sin almost every minute of every single day, but the point is that I want to try and am more than willing to try and pull myself out of this deep hole that I am held up within. I mention Jesus and God as a means to see if there is anyone out there, who would be willing to come to Him, to be saved.. but I want you to remember this: You have a choice. It is not mandatory to serve God. It is your choice, the path that you wish to walk down. My objective of writing this entry, was mainly to express how alone I feel in the physical realm, but what these notions have brought me and if I pray, I know that I am never alone.

I just need to finally release Roleplaying.