October 10 in Scott

Today I’ve realized that I feel something that’s rare for me to admit to feeling: loneliness. I’ve been alone most of my adult life. I was married for four years and I had girlfriends off and on over the decades, but in the past few years, I have lived alone except for my birds. I’ve been thinking a lot about a girlfriend I once had and I did look her up on Facebook and I’m glad that she is married to a very good man. Today I sent her a friend request and I feel some anxiety that she would not want to have any contact with me again, although we did part in a very easy-going manner. At the time I met her future husband and I like the man good guy. I had to ask myself if I wanted to try to insinuate myself into her life again or not and honestly no. We all moved on. I think I would like to tell some people from my past that I am a much better person now that I was. Hey look at me. I’m easier to be around. I’m not full of drama anymore. When I was working, there was much drama because my workplace was full of it.

I have come to realize intercept that I do have times of loneliness. But I am not so lonely as to want anyone in my life for contact. I have come to a place where I only want good people in my life. No drama no negativity unless totally necessary as part of life. No cruelty, no malice no sarcasm no bullshit. That is a good place for me now I can be selective. I think we all can. When I was working I was forced into situations with many negative people and some malicious even murderous. It’s nice to have solitude but at times I do feel loneliness but not a desperate loneliness. I think that’s a problem that some people make is that they are desperate in their loneliness and find aberrant people to ease that loneliness and it just makes their life hell.

I’ve had to honestly ask myself why I have very few social contacts from the past. Is it because I was some kind of horrible person? No, we all move on as all. We change they change mentally emotionally we separate. I think of karma and yes, there is some of that because I’ve created this life of solitude, but the solitude is OK but sometimes we all just want someone to wave at and say hi to.

Sometimes I’ve sent friend request out to people on Facebook and they ignore it and it’s not because I was some horrible person. I believe it’s because like I said we all change we move on we can no longer relate to those we knew in the past. Come to think of it that’s so much of what people talk about, people we’ve known in the past a shared past that’s all we can talk about.

It’s easy for people to attack themselves or others for being alone or lonely feeling cast off a drift. But it is nobody’s fault that people get to this place. Shit just happens that’s all. And to comfort myself tonight I tell myself long ago I stopped growing with others and they with me. We are all so different which is why so few of us reach out anymore because we know we would have communications full of silence because we haven’t got a fucking idea what to say anymore to that person.

I’m OK.
Logical thinking here, no downward spiraling. There is a bird on my head, eating a noodle, and the remnants of it are falling on my face.🤣