Family BBQ in Adventures in paradise

The disassociation/derealisation is real today. Probably the absolute worst symptom of the anxiety, in my opinion. Thoughts I can deal with, eventually, but this shit makes me feel like I’m not even exisiting lol. I mean, I’m 40 now and I still feel like I’m in my mid 20’s, and I was thinking about it - I think it’s because I’ve dissassociated for 15 years of my life lol. They were just me zoning out.

I was telling my older brother about it after he picked me up on Friday from Riverview Station. I caught the train there as less out of his way from the Gold Coast. I told him I was glad he’s driving, because I’m not sure if I can anymore, and I told him about how I had to pull over three times on the drive back last time because I was disassociating on the highway and tried to explain how s scary it was. He found it all quite interesting. Unfortunately I can’t get to my parents place without driving as they live in the country, but there is a bus that comes and goes once per week, but it’d mean staying there for 4 days at a time and getting time off work.

It was good to have the whole family together again, this time with my little brother’s kids and his wife. His poor wife is recovering from Covid and still barely had her voice. She’s had it a few times before and this was the worst. My first time was the worst (in the ER) and my last time I barely knew I had it. Crazy how different the strains are.

We met up with my sister and younger brother in Toowoomba at the park, but ended up going to a bar called Fitzy’s for lunch anyway, which was yummy. My younger brother took his daughter to the dentist, then my older brother and I continued on out to Pittsworth. My sister was going to come out again the following day for a family BBQ.

Dad is still moving about, but living out of his chair in the lounge otherwise. He says it’s not much of a life living in a chair. His feet are extremely swollen. His doctor is playing around with his medication, thinking that is causing it. My older brother got some Birkenstock dupes made for him in Vietnam (only $38ea at the bootmaker) so at least now he has some that fit his swollen feet. We were worried he may trip in them, as he’s not used to them, but he seemed to walk around okay. It’s good he’s still using the walker.

There wasn’t enough room for me in the house with all the kids, so I slept in the caravan which was in the shed. It was my first time sleeping in there and I thought it might be fun, but I was freezing! I’m glad I had three blankets which just kept me warm enough, but I was shivering when I had to get up to use the bathroom. Thankfully I’m a male so that just involved the garden outside and I didn’t have to pop a squat.

The next day, my brother’s cleaned off the 40yo+ BBQ that dad made back in the day. It hasn’t been used in about 15 years, so was covered in all sorts of yucky things. Anyway, it was sanitized to the max and there was still gas in the bottle, so we fired it up and had a family BBQ after my sister arrived. The idea was that it could be good nostaligia for dad, and I feel it was.

I’ll leave this entry with a few photos as I’m not feeling the best and want to get out in the sun for a bit.

I went for a walk to the main street and it was bright

Some of mum’s garden in the breezeway

My brothers and me

And the family!

I gave my dad a hug as we were leaving on Saturday and wished him good luck with his PET scan. Each time I say goodbye, I think it may be my last.
My brother dropped me back off at the train station, and it was only 50c to get home from there, as our public transport is cheap for once as there’s an election coming up.

My dad is getting the PEP scan today in Toowoomba, so he will know if he’s gotten any worse or not. I might also not be feeling well as that’s probably subconsciously playing on my mind too.