Invoking the Inverse Leonardo DiCaprio Rule™. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

So anyway, Mary transferred to my department a few months ago. Around May, I think. Prior, I’d only seen her in passing. She has a very strong Get AWay From Me Vibe.

Or, as it is more commonly known:

Resting Bitch Face™.

I’m not exactly out to make friends at the workplace, so whatever. Plenty of other people at workies ignore me and don’t speak to me. I’m quite content to be invisible.

Again, we’re in the same department, so we do have to interact. Small side conversation has been slow going. Occasionally she’d ask probing questions out of nowhere. I think my silence was bothering her. I wouldn’t say she’s bipolar. When she drops her mask, she doesn’t bite.

Eh, not sure how to summarize the slow evolution of us hitting a point where I’m not on edge around her. I don’t know how open she is with other people, but she has opened up to some degree. Depression, eating disorder, wishing she had big pregger boobs.

Look, her words, not mine, okay? She’ll be looking at cantaloupes and make a comment.

And I’m all look, dude, I’m not taking the bait!

Anyway, she’s got a birthday coming up, so I finally has an openning to ask her age. Because I think asking someone’s age is really weird? She codes twenty-something, especially with her offhand comments on alcohol and weed.

Well guys, she will be twenty-one. Okay, all together now:

Well, shit.

I’ve done my best to treat her as an equal, as an adult. Pulling some well, you should listen to me because I have grey in my beard is not my kind of egotistical. It would be insulting to treat her as anything other than an equal.

But also, run the math. She’s uh. She’s young enough to be my daughter.

I DO NOT LIKE HOW THIS FEELS.

I remind myself that since my conscience is so strong, I’m probably okay. If I didn’t have a moral pause, then I might be a not-so-good-boy. But. Here it is, the moral pause.

God damn, I joked about this for fucking years, but here we are. The Inverse Leonardo DiCaprio Rule™. The joke is that Leo only dates women under 25. As I am s smidge over forty, well. I reckon it’s reasonable to set the bare minimum low bar at 25. As in, nobody under 25.

Oh, I’m fine with dating same-age or upwards. If Betty White came back from the grave, you bet I’d try to be good enough for her. You just gotta draw the low threshold somewhere.

Any feelings I might have don’t make me a bad person. We’re both adults. But acting on them would be fucking grey territory. My life is very boring until it isn’t, and I’m not sure I want this to be an interesting plot development.