Manifest yourself in Bittersweet

You know its hard. 
For SO fucking long, I was one way. And hated everyone who was the way I wanted to be. The person that severe depression and extreme anxiety stole away from me. The person born from rape and stalking, traumatic childhood and unable to cope with life circumstances. 
The person I was for SO fucking long.

Watching the person I wanted to be and unable to reach. Something shiny and just out of touch and becoming more and more sad I couldent.

And then I changed my life and threw everything into turmoil and a wreck. And I found myself. Slowly but surely over the last couple years I found myself.

So why do i still feel like a fraud some days. Like im pretending to be this person and the broken cracks are still hiding inside. Glossed over by this gossamer fabric. Just enough that the ugliness is contained but never really gone.

Maybe that is just a part of healing. The shit is never gone. You just cope, you hide, you mask. 

and most days its fine. And some days i feel like playing pretend. 

I got up. Showered, had great sex. Made tomato soup from scratch and froze it. Made mixed berry fruit puree and froze it. Banana puree and froze that. Sliced zukes from my garden. Made salsa from the garden. Still have a dozen jalapenos that i need to do something with. 
Took the daughter to a birthday, went to sams club, got gas, dropped of some packages. picked up the child, came home, put away groceries. Hunted eggs in the yard. Started reading a book and knitting a hat. Got out my spinning wheel for when the hat is done. And im here. I need to make the kids some more granola and a weekend treat but the dopamine ran out and its only 4 pm. Exhausted. 
Im tired. Really tired. Like all the drama and stress that came out of left field hit me so hard and now im hungover on it? I was going to make some double chocolate chip cookies with mint glaze. Or maybe a caramel apple crisp. 
Tomorrow is another day. I can do it tomorrow. Its ok to just sit here, knit on this hat. Read a book. 

Part of it maybe is I dont want to slow down and let the ugly inside catch up. If I keep moving, does it stay two steps behind me? Maybe those barbs hooked in a little bit. Just a little bit. In the need to prove that im not what was accused. Even though I know im not and anyone who spends 10 minutes with  me knows im not. 
I dont hide my crazy, or my broken edges. But I am a bubbly happy vivacious personality. Then I come home and I am a hobbit in human form lol. Baking and cooking, Dancing around my kitchen in an apron edges in gingham and flour on the front.  Always wearing my mary janes because floors are nasty even freshly mopped. The dogs go inside and out and walk through the dirt where they and chickens poo. Gross. Or the cat and his litter. Yuck. No thanks. Shoes for me! Im me. But the tiredness comes out. and I feel the cracks inside. 

Im not fully healed. Maybe you never can be. But I can be the person I wanted to be. Making granola and other treats on the weekends. Jars full of home made mixes and pantry staples. A stress born of homelessness and lack of food to be fair lol. And the burning need to be loved, accepted and recognized. Maybe thats the Leo in me lol.

Either way. I think its ok, just for today. To just read a book and knit like a grandma.