The Battlefield in Current Events

I made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t go window shopping today. So, while I was window shopping today I managed to spook myself. I was annoyed by how powerless I was to my impulse to leave and look at pretty things. Where does will end and where does it begin? That question always haunts me.

I didn’t have anything lined up today. It left everything open for my compulsive demon. I managed to give myself burnout. I got creeped out because I don’t know where my ADHD ends and where I begin.

ADHD brains have a lot of deficits. Frontal lobe deficits. Emotional regulation deficits. The part of the brain that does not have deficits is our endocannabinoid habit circuitry. Habits are not touched by ADHD. The problem is that habits require consistency and consistency is the challenge for those with ADHD.

I came across that explanation while doom scrolling. I described it to my therapist with a Venn diagram. It has two circles that overlap. The one on the left is what I can do compulsively without thinking. It’s my habits. I try to ensure that I have good habits in there. The circle on the right is everything I want that’s in the aether. The area where those overlap is the battlefield. Getting things in and out of the left circle is the battle I’ve been fighting my whole life. That left circle, my habit circuitry, is a swirl. A cycle. A spiral if you will. This is the system that gives me all the false sense of freedom and control that I need to feel safe. Even if I’m not. I try to be mindful of it.

I am pretty high functioning, if I do say so myself. Did that all in my own. I suppose it is easier to give myself some grace and compassion when I understand myself better with this garbage brain impediment. It’s like being told that there is something wrong with your legs. You’ll never climb, you’ll never jump, you’ll never swim. You’ll just have to learn how to get the best out of walking.

So today my ADHD wins. I let it give me burnout. I’ll do better tomorrow. I think the only accomplishment I have today is my homemade deodorant. I’m just getting over a cold though so sue me! I say to my ADHD induced shame.

What I wish I could do, however, is turn ADHD god-mode on at will. Neurotypicals could never.