October 8 in Scott

Today I wore long pants for the first time in months. It felt strange at first, and I noticed my pants came on easier than months ago due to lost weight. It felt very good. It’s nice to see the belt notches disappear on one side and appear on the other side showing that weight loss.

In the past, I would view myself as fucking up by going on a drinking binge and lying about how easy it was for me to quit and then procrastinate about it and finally feel terrified and quit. It’s been a long time since I had that issue and that feels good. Now I consider not using the treadmill every day as fucking up I chide myself about not meditating and I need to get back to it at least for 20 minute sessions twice a day. For once in my life fucking up feels good. It feels good that I’m not falling back into some very bad habits as I did in the past. I simply need now to give myself a gentle nudge in the right direction with positive reinforcement about isn’t it wonderful how that belt feels now? At times, a meditation session can scare me by seeing how much garbage flows through my consciousness, but it’s always good for me and that is positive reinforcement to remember it adds clarity.

My brother got a cat a few weeks ago and it was a stray cat and it got loose and he was running himself ragged trying to find that cat and by some little miracle of helpful people he got the cat back. He will often take a while to get to answering a direct question and it irritates me and as I jokingly tell him, I think I sound like our father, which makes us both laugh. Today, I called him and apologized for my impatience and calling him names in such a way as people would do in the factory I worked in. He said it was good. It was all good. He knows I’m not a son of a bitch and he knows I’m often joking, but I do need to try to help him to direct him. Give him direction instead of just getting kind of mock shitty with him.

I find myself getting irritable with people on YouTube trying to give some news and I want to contact them and say just get to the point without all the word salad bullshit. Then I look at what I write or say, and I wonder if I’m doing the runaround and not getting to the point of something.

I had heard about so-called old people waking up in the middle of the night and then going back to sleep and I didn’t have that problem until recently, but fortunately I have been able to get back to sleep. It’s funny though it’s now become one of those old people things with me. Fortunately, it’s been a while since I lost a whole night sleep worrying myself sick about things that happened a lot in the past.

A few months ago, I found an old note from a girlfriend from maybe 30 years ago. It was a very loving feeling note. It made me realize that that woman was the only woman that has ever loved me. The woman I was married to for four years, never loved me and honestly, I don’t think I ever loved her. I just felt she was a great friend and on her part she was using me playing a long game to become a resident of the USA. I thought I loved another woman a few years ago, but it was something was wrong. Something was off. My instincts of distrust were correct because I thought she was lying about various things and she became violent on one of her visits to me. But getting back to that woman I knew over 30 years ago. I remember how we drifted apart and she met a wonderful man. She brought him over here to meet me once and I thought he was a great guy. She married him. I have respected her privacy that of a married woman for decades. But recently, I wanted to message her and thank her for having been the only woman that has ever loved me. Nothing maudlin just a sincere thank you and to tell her that I’ve become a very grateful person in recent years. It’s very important for me to tell people thank you for adding so much good to my life. I’ve done that with all family members. I looked the old girlfriend up on Facebook and found she is still alive and doing very well. I am genuinely happy for her. Both of her daughters turned out to be great people with wonderful husbands. That makes me feel very old when I remember those little girls and now they have little girls that are probably not so little now. I think that before I leave, I want to say good things to people that I knew. On the other hand… I decided for now to just leave everybody alone. I am no stalker no creepy dude I respect people and their lives and happiness and I am happy for them.

After the factory closed in 2021 I had thought it would be a good idea to stay in contact with some people from the factory such as my ex boss. But I realized I had some very uncomfortable feelings about him. Memories of his sadistic behavior toward me that I can let go and I can forgive, but I just do not want to know that person anymore. When I worked in the factory, I would put on a mask and kiss some ass. My ex boss got the idea finally after numerous hints I don’t want to know him anymore. I realize I don’t want to know any of the people I used to work with. I was an actor when I was working in that factory. I never liked the owner of that company, but I did put on a show of being one of the boys. However, I hope to never see that person again because of how he fucked up, so many lives by running that company into the ground and out of business. I have the freedom now to mentally quietly with my own silence and lack of attention to others say fuck you. Avoiding people is a big fuck you. When people avoid me or ignore me I see that big fuck you and I can now respect it.

Today I got a nice green scarf that I can wrap around my neck for when the birds are on my shoulders. It worked very well today! Buddy suddenly discovered my beard and wanted to rip parts of it out. OK you feathered bitch take it easy on me. I fed him dry noodles along with Maxi. It’s amazing how that stuff is like candy for them and I think that the bribery is working to keep my beard from being pulled out.

I found I can track my ballot to see if it’s been counted. I hope it was picked up by the mail service. Try not to worry about it Scott you gave it your best shot.