October 6 in Scott

Today I filled out the absentee ballot, and I put it in the mail. I think I did it all OK I just hope that nothing is wrong with the mailbox or that some kids have not damaged it. I feel my one vote is meaning for me as a conscience thing. I tried in a small way to help save democracy in the USA with one vote.

I am fascinated by what I feel is new to me in being designated a senior citizen. Age 69. Sometimes I have to go look in a mirror or use the camera on my phone to look at myself to see that old man and feel a sense of wonder about it. There is a sense of wonder about getting old. Sometimes at night to put myself to sleep, I will let myself fall into memories. Sometimes surprised at things I have not remembered in a long time.
Oh, that is still in my mind and memory? Laying here in bed writing this I think for the first time in my life that there is a sense of wonder about aging. About being able to live as long as I have or you have if you’re reading this if anyone is. I see Travis Kelce celebrate his birthday and it’s all about gifts. Like so many birthdays are like so many of mine were. I wish or regret that long ago I did not see your birthday as a day of Thanksgiving for making it whatever year that was. Since I have begun thinking of myself as being an old bastard and looking at the times I almost died or wanted to there is that amazement that sense of wonder that I have lived this long. That I live to be two years old that I live to be nine. That I lived to be 21. And every year after. I look at all the stupid things I did. They could’ve killed me or crippled me and I feel a gratitude to the universe. Whatever has kept me alive. I look at infant mortality, how people die of disease and wars. I think of the brother that died before I was born that died in such a stupid little accident. I was his replacement I think and that never bothered me that much because that’s just how it was. I suppose I should’ve felt more responsibility to be a better person as his replacement but no, I just lived that’s all. I do believe all family members that have passed would approve of what I’ve become. Whenever I see someone talking about their birthday I feel like telling them instead of expecting or looking for gifts to look at the gift of life for another year. Death is so random at times I feel a giddiness that I have lived this long. I remember in my youth old people complaining about how they felt with age constantly complaining. People will do that at any age such as my oldest brother. I call him a grumpy old bastard these days. He never had any hardship in life, but he bitches a lot. I used to whine and complain about so damn much. So many times I thought I wanted to die and I even tried to die a few times. How incredibly stupid and ungrateful to life no matter how shitty I thought it was because I was still breathing and moving and feeling Such a little things as a breeze across my face sunshine on that same face. I am often amused about how some religious people think atheists do not have anything to live for not believing in an afterlife. On the contrary, we have more to live for this is all we’ve got.

People have noticed that I am very optimistic and positive these days. I wonder if I was always that way if it was some part of me that was that way and yes, despite my self pitying youth, I always felt or could find something joyous in life that would turn me from the dark inside. What helps is that I am accepting that I will die. Have a sense of humor, have some laughs and smiles before that time comes. No matter how sick or injured I may become in life, I hope that I will always be able to say something to make those around me laugh just a little bit and feel better. I believe I am a very mediocre person no star in life but if I can make someone smile for a moment for a moment, I am a lesser star.

As for age, and that old bastard in the mirror, I’m going to have some laughs with him using much the same language I used when I was in high school and working in the factory. It’s the only language I know. It’s fun to still call people dude. To say hey man. To purposely act the fool, but not in any crazy or dangerous way. I have not learned how to be a grumpy old man and it is a lesson I do not intend to learn. I am trying to help my oldest brother forget about that and quit being such a grumpy bastard. Hey Jeff, there’s a young man inside you somewhere. Let him do the talking for you.