Are You Actually Kidding Me?! in 2024

I woke in an amazing mood this morning.
Last night I moved the tv back into the living room. I can’t stand wallering in the bed anymore. It’s just a depression magnet.
I watch tv in bed, eat in bed, play with the animals in bed. Blah, enough.
This little switch in atmosphere lit a little fire under me and I started dragging out the Halloween decorations.
I didn’t put any up because I need to hang some and it was late to be banging nails into the wall.
Wait…oh shit, I completely forgot that I don’t have neighbors anymore.
Well…dammit.
Oh well.

When I woke this morning, I was light and happy. Came to work and got to cross off quite a few things on my to-do list.
I’m just flitting around the clinic, like a happy little hummingbird, when I get a text from Dana.
Ohhhhhhh! I think.

Him: I have 5 days off for Thanksgiving and 7 off for Christmas.
Me: WOW!!! Are you coming home?!

This little exchange made my heart sore. It was so hard last year to spend the holidays without him. Honestly, I think I just slept through Christmas. I don’t remember.
I’m sitting at my desk already planning out holiday meals and whatnot. When my phone went off again.

Him: I don’t know if I’m going anywhere. That cost money.
Me: Really?!
Me: Seriously…..
Me: I hope you are joking.

He hasn’t responded yet. I know phones aren’t allowed at the plant he’s at and I’m hoping that’s the reason for his lapse in response.

Yall…what the hell?!
Am I that horrible of a person?
Do I not love enough?
Do I love too much?
Do I smell?

Seriously, why can’t I spend the holidays with any man I’m with in the last couple of years?

Nate disappeared to his moms on Thanksgiving and came home at midnight. Same with Christmas. However, he is a whole ‘nother story in himself.

Kip would rather work than spend time with me. Ok, he was there off and on but he kept leaving to go to work.

Now Dana is doing it. I understand last year, I really do. He was broke, broke. But this year there is no reason for it.
He says he loves me and is doing all this for us but he doesn’t want to be with me on the holidays?

These are the reasons I want to just stop celebrating them. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the holidays.
Decorating, cooking, hanging out and watching movies.
But if the person I’m with doesn’t want to celebrate with me, then what’s the point?

You know what that’s telling me, right?
He would rather spend the holidays with that old widow and her friends than with the woman he claims he loves.
Do you see why I don’t like this situation?

I was planning to go to him for Christmas and even try to go see him at the end of this month.
Now?
I’m wondering why it’s ok for me to spend my money to see him, yet it’s not ok for him to spend his? He has a hell of a lot more than I do. Shit, I’m in vet med. I get paid in wiggle butts and warm fuzzies. Every now and again I get a few dollars thrown at me.

I fucking knew this was going to happen when he went to Indiana. It was even further solidified when he said he was only an hour and a half from the widows house and he was going to stay there again.

What did I do?
What’s wrong with me??
Maybe I’m just slated to be alone for the rest of my life.
That sounds like a fun time.
Just me, sitting in a low income apartment, with a cat, watching people out the window, while my cooking contest show plays in the background.
No kids to raise or visit.
No grandkids.
No family in general.
Just me, a cat, a respectable bed time, frozen meals, and my diamond paintings. I can’t even knit or crochet anymore because my genetic gene pool was pissed in and I have shit hands.
That is not a life. That is just sitting there, waiting to die.
I could join a club or do water aerobics with the old ladies before going to bingo. Every month take a trip with “The Girls” to the casino and play the penny slots. Come back and bitch about how “that place has gone to shit. I remember when it was first built and was so nice.”
I could.
But I hate people.
I don’t want to meet for coffee everyday and listen to a group of women talk about their kids and grandkids. I don’t care.
I don’t want to join the Red Hat club and take trips together.
I’m not a let-me-hang-with-my-girls-24/7 type person.

That would fill my days but I would still have the nights to deal with. I wouldn’t have my person to decompress to and with.
My confidant.
The only person that know me. The actual me.
My bestest good friend.

Maybe I should just cut my losses and start the solidarity life now.
Stop planning for the future.
Stop picturing myself growing old with my love.
Maybe I am just unlovable.
Maybe my standards and expectations are too high.
Pfffft, please, I know it’s not that.

I’m so tired of just floating through life.
Just waiting to die.
Ive been doing this since I graduated high school.
Its old.

I never thought my life would turn out this way.
However, at the same time, I kinda did. I knew I wouldn’t have kids. Its was just one of those things I’ve always known. I was watching the Dennis the Menace movie when I was a teen and the scene where Mrs Wilson is sad about not having kids came on. As I watched, I heard a voice in my head that said “that will be you.”
And so mote it be.

Is 45 too early to be a complete shut in?

Also, please, before anyone says it, don’t tell me I have to love myself and learn to be ok being alone.
It will never happen. I’m a fuck up and I know this. All I can do is not fuck up anymore.
As for being alone; it don’t WANT to be alone. I want to grow old with my love.
If I ever did end up alone, I want it to be because my partner passed away. This way I will know that even though he is gone, I was gifted X amount of years with him. I was allowed to know that love.

But….
I am me and I’m convinced that I pissed someone off real bad in a previous life. This life is just their revenge.
I’m sorry.
For whatever I did, please accept my apology.
For fucks sake, I need a break here.