Raw in Current Events

They’re just thoughts. I started to remind myself. I see you. I know what you are and you can’t hurt me anymore. This put my Life Dysmorphia into remission. It created a healthier relationship with my thoughts. Thought is just another bodily sound, like a heartbeat.

Was I numbed out this whole time? I am beginning to wonder. A few months ago, I put everything on hold. I wanted to pour all of my energy into getting this new job I started. I needed to make space for all these changes. Yesterday, I felt raw again which is okay. It just means that I am alive. The dust has settled. The new changes are here. It’s time to feel again. Maybe I will do it right and generate good feelings.

I wrote a mean-spirited entry about my roommate yesterday. I made it private. I made an enemy construct out of her. Why?! If I reverse the image, I’m unable to give myself compassion. I can’t agree to believe that I am doing my best. I don’t give myself understanding. I’m hard on myself.

I felt guilt and shame. This is her home. This is her space too. That is when I started to feel raw again. I had to remember that she was not my enemy. She is my friend and love her. I want her to be happy healthy and safe. I’m the monster.

It was nice to feel again though. I wasn’t completely numbed out these last several months. I just shut off access to negative emotions. I lost my ability to spiritually connect if that makes any sense. I’m relieved to have that back. I can connect to my passion projects again.

I learned that people with ADHD struggle with self-assessment. They sell themselves short. I will explore this later. I’m not one to auto-inflate my self-esteem but I think it will be a good exercise.