O.K. (Wellness Dilemma) in Current Events

Not me trying to induce depression.

It’s been over two months without any mood disorder episodes. It was very concerning for me on my ride to the gym this morning. Is this normal? This was never normal for me. Anxiety and depression have been my companions ever since I was four.

I miss ruminating. All I know is sad songs. I was starting to wonder if I am just numbed out. I’m not. Upbeat songs tug on my heartstrings but they just give me energy. Between sets, I was practically dancing in the gym this morning.

I even dialed in my spending. With my appetite back, I can get my macros where they need to be. I learned today that everybody’s fitness goal god David Laid is not natty. It’s hilarious because it is so obvious. The beauty influencers are plastic. The fitness influencers are on steroids. Sometimes I have to remember that. My brain is wired to compare and contrast. For better or for worse.

I don’t know what that episode was after my shift yesterday but it gave me a neurological reset. It’s like my mind is a blank slate. A shortcut to restructure my metacognition. This only happens after I have the flu. Creating a new system, however, is like mission impossible. I’ll just think something I’ve never thought before which will generate something I’ve never felt before that will make me behave like I’ve never behaved before and it will give me an outcome that I’ve never had before. Just need to wave my magic wand.

It’s like when my depression was first gone, I was still doing depression things. I didn’t go on a spending spree but I still went on a window shopping spree. I didn’t need to do that. Why did I do that?! I have everything I want.

When my anxiety and depression went on hiatus, I was left with anger issues. It’s better but still a work in progress. Mars is the dominant ruler in my chart. Well, it is tied with Venus. When I’m angry, I need to eat something, generally. That doesn’t mean that my triggers aren’t there. Just like with my anxiety and depression. My problems are still there. My mind was raging about my roommate before I ate my breakfast. Nothing new to report there.

I called my grandmother today. She is in good spirits. She has a cell phone now. They might release her from the hospital tomorrow. My nephew ended up getting stitches yesterday. He got his finger caught in the screen door. My sister’s house is a death trap, in my opinion. When her husband says he will work on the house he will work on the house. He doesn’t like to be reminded every 6 months… seriously though, I can’t even begin to list all of the safety concerns. They could move into something better but he moves at a glacial pace. They should just pay somebody to do all of the repairs and renovations. With what money?! He smokes a pack a day. Something about smokers complaining about money makes me want to be violent.

My mother wanted to do something this evening but took a raincheck. That is okay. I have that masterclass online this evening. I’m just starting to get comfortable talking to a camera… it’s the record button for me. I’ve pushed myself this far out of my tiny comfort zone already, I’ll get there. I’ll be able to record my own content.

I’m tempted to go to the gym this evening. I went to my usual gym and didn’t take advantage of the free pass for the one down the street. It’s not an upgrade by any means. They have a sauna, that is the only perk that my gym does not have. I could just go do cardio and take advantage of the sauna this evening while I can. Maybe. I have every intention of doing it tomorrow morning though. I’ll just do cardio and legs. I almost switched to the other gym down my street in February. It’s the same cheap price as mine but both of those gyms combined aren’t even half the gym that my gym is. I’m definitely learning to love it. Just dislike the drive for no reason, out of nowhere.

I give up trying to stir up my insides. I’ll just have to get used to being okay. Get it while the getting is good. My mood disorders were my catalyst, that is my problem. That was my fuel source. That is what motivated me to do things I’m passionate about. It came with a lot of baggage but… I know I can figure this out. It’s a good problem to have.

I still don’t know what I am doing right. I made a lot of changes this year. A lot of changes happened that were out of my control. I was close to spiraling while I was failing my classes. They’re just thoughts. That is the mantra that started to change it all. It’s like my mind gave up trying to gaslight me. I see you. I know what you are. You can’t hurt me anymore. Let’s see how long this all lasts.