Battle of the Dragon in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I’m currentlly coming down from a panic attack.

I’m having them a lot more grequently as of late, and that really isn’t so surprising considering the whole “dealing with death” issue that happened. The thing is that I usually keep very tight control on my emotions; what to express, what not to express, and when and where I can find stillness to deal with them appropriately. Trying to do that when something as devastating as death happens is quite frankly impossible. The problem is, when the dam breaks, all kinds of emotions flood to me all at once and I find myself swinging back and forth.

The thing is when I become overwhelmed emotional contagion becomes a problem. I can see leakage of other emotions about things unrelated to the initial emotions coming forth.

I’ve kept fairly private about the passing that happened, mainly because every time I tried to talk about it, it made people uncomfortable and they would just clam up. I understand it, talking about death is not really something with which most people are comfortable; I just wish that I hadn’t maintained such a clear-cut policy of emotional-distance with people since moving to Southern California. I did it because I felt like I would only be here temporarily, but it hasn’t afforded me any real comforts.

So when someone finally expressed concern, I immediately latched onto it and projected some emotions that are not necessarily true or at the very least are heightened versions of something true. I immediately started feeling a strong attraction for him. Granted, I had already thought he was cute and enjoyed spending time with him before but it seemed to take on a whole different level now. When my roommate (whom I get along with in bursts) told me that he was going to hang out with this individual for whom I had feelings, I felt like a dragon arose within me. Never in my life have I so clearly identified jealousy. It made me boil with rage and the roommate’s behavior after-the-fact didn’t really help quell my feelings.

When he noticed that I was having a panic attack, he asked me if I wanted to talk about it. Before I could respond, he said, “Of course you don’t, not that I cared anyway.” So my dragon started to breathe fire and desire blood to be spilled. I kept it under control for the most part, but it was intensely difficult to keep myself under control.

The truth is, I just wish I were healthier emotionally. For the majority of my adulthood, I have been really toxic when it came to my emotions. I know that my penchant for maintaining control of my emotions causes harm but I don’t know any other way. People always talked about my advanced maturity, but that is not the case anymore. Now my cognitive skills are on par with where they should be, but my emotional development is trapped at teenage levels. This probably explains why I seem to have a penchant for attractions to 19 year olds (the gentlemen about whom I’m speaking fits into that age bracket, as well).

I really feel lost and recognizing it causes me more stress and perpetuates the cycle of emotional instability. The dragon takes control and overwhelms me. No one walks away from this battle.