NRG in Current Events

I’m at a point… but I don’t know the point.

Being numbed out came with my mood disorders, which are still awol. Instead of suppressing my emotions, I make space for them. They have mass, I know better than to hold them down. It is as though I am learning how to feel all over again. I have to try and understand them. That is when the catharsis begins. It’s like popping a pimple. It hurts, then it throbs, then it is gone. It sometimes leaves a scar.

On my drive to work yesterday, I was finally able to give my anxiousness surrounding my job some context. I don’t know how to make space for positive things. I always expect the worst and prepare for the worst. I got used to having nothing to lose. Now I have a lot to lose. This is scary. Deep down, I am waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me like it is some cosmic joke.

If I allow myself to feel happy for myself… for the first time in my life, I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. Not physically, I’m just in my purpose. It’s like the universe opened up for me. Doubled down for me. Like it is on my side for once. I don’t know how to make space for it. I will figure it out. This is a great problem to have.

It feels like it needed to come with a cost. I’m no longer numbed out about my grandmother being hospitalized. I think I was just keeping it together for my mother. This weekend is my turn to take her shopping. Obviously, that isn’t happening. I will connect with my mother and see how I can reach out to my grandmother. She usually pays for her to have access to a phone.

This morning I woke up thinking about my workload. It feels intimidating. My coordinator and I had a little bit of trouble with the brothers we took out yesterday. He texted me about it when he got home. I thought it was cute that he did. He really cares. Then it dawned on me this morning that I care too. I give a shit. That is why I feel some type of way about it all. It is a huge responsibility to be a mentor for these troubled kids.

After I popped the pimpled about work yesterday morning, on my ride there, I was more relaxed there. I’m just going with the flow, so to speak. Andy, my coordinator, he plans for the day-to-day stuff so far. I’m not autonomous just yet. I need my last background check to come in. The program is just starting up again. He has a lot of creative freedom here. He is using me as well to help shape what the program looks like. This is an exciting time. We had a meeting with us, the director and an elder/knowledge keeper. The goal is to have him join us on our group outings to be a spiritual leader, of sorts, for the kids. I am so excited about this. Before the meeting, he and I were deep Deep DEEP in conversation.

We started the meeting with a smudge. He explained how it is meant to connect you with yourself, then the medicine, and then the creator (which is within). He told me to always make offerings to our ancestors. When I eat a meal, put something outside for nature to eat as well, essentially. There is more but I don’t have all day to write about it. He brought up Andy’s fasting and it is like he is practicing for a sundance. I got him to explain what that was to me. It is an intense transmutation of energy. This ritual is about suffering. It is a very haunting scene. This is not about physical healing but about the spirit. We don’t want that energy to be dense.

We got him on board. He is excited about this as well. He will not do anything until we have a capacity ceremony with the whole organization. Done! Then we will plan what this will all look like. So far, the idea is to get the kids to make their own bundles. We will make a road map, in a circle. Each week they will make a medicine bag, a smudge kit, their own rattle, their own drums, etc. They will learn to lead all of the ceremonies. Learn every piece of knowledge behind it all. Deprogram their minds of the Western ways. We are taking the boys to a campfire banic bake this Saturday. We will start looking for medicines and collecting them. Yesterday, we took two brothers to The Leaf. It is a conservatory. It just has lots of exotic plants. When we were outside the building, they started to collect cedar and sweetgrass. We had to intervene but it was cool to see them do that.

Anyway, I made an appointment with my therapist for this morning. I should go get ready for that now.