Villain Origin Story in Current Events

I’m not comfortable at my new job just yet. Yes, it is a new workplace but also a new workforce. I am giving myself a lot of grace while I adjust. I don’t adapt to change well. Externally, I do. Internally, my inner equilibrium needs to be calibrated. The brain is a problem solver. The discomfort can lead to pleasure-seeking, for instance. I feel pain, so my brain wants pleasure.

The pain isn’t happening when we drink, get high, binge eat, starve, make a purchase, have that affair, etc. I feel guilty, like I cheated something, for having a glass of wine the other night. Calm your tits. I have to tell myself. My metacognition is strong but why do I have to be so cautious about everything I decide to do? I’m not an alcoholic but I am very aware of how habits are created. If I decide to drink after every bad day, I will end up self-sabotaging my days so I can have a reason to drink. I did that with my cigarette addiction. I didn’t even have a bad day, I was rewarding myself for getting through my first week.

In the past, I did have a moment or two when I thought I might have a drinking problem. I always took a long break then. When the lockdowns happened, and the dumb ages started, Russel Brand offered his masterclass on Commune for free. I checked it out with no goals or expectations. I was just curious. I came out of it with zero attachments to anything. Including alcohol. I barely touch the stuff now. Step 4, I keep meaning to print that chart and laminate it. It is a great tool for processing emotions.

When my coordinator and I took our last participant to a movie, I felt my nerves kick in. Am I good enough with kids? I am going to be one-on-one with these kids soon enough. Probably as soon as next week. My background checks are due to come in. I’ve never been that comfortable around children. My niece and nephew broke me in. Now I only feel alive when I’m spending time with them. I will be fine, I’m confident. At least, I will be confident once I get into the swing of things.

There was something about the case notes that was making my brain itchy. It clicked this morning. I’ve come full circle. Our participants are the same age I was when my mother first brought me to a counselor. I also had aggression issues. I was also violent. I was an at-risk youth. That intervention was my villain origin story. I don’t want a monster in me too. Read one of the messages a kid wrote on the wall. The wall was full of notes. I was suddenly aware of the cycle of abuse. I knew what kids with a history like my own could become. Alcoholics, junkies, & whores, oh my. I made myself a promise to never ever become any of those. I had to go through my psychological dramas the hard way. I call this my villain origin story because I have boundaries that codependent people find toxic.

Society gives us the script that everybody is entitled to compassion, empathy, and understanding. They need to be coddled and accommodated. I don’t agree that it is compassionate to enable people to suck at life and health. If we are young and figuring life out, I can give them some grace. People in my age group? Not so much. I tread lightly. If they are on the right track and not going the wrong way, I am more inclined to be compassionate, and understanding. All that good fuzzy wuzzy stuff society wants from us. I am emotionally available, just very selective because codependent people are what? Parastic.

Maybe I will write a little eBook about it. I had to use heinous things like judgment and shame to chart my path. Create boundaries against the toxic codependent. You’re stuck up! You’re uptight! You think you’re better than everyone! You think you’re too good for me? You lack compassion and empathy! You’re soulless! Emotionally unavailable! I’ve heard it all. I don’t mean to make people insecure about their choices but… it is what it is. The best version of myself is someone with parameters. That’s all I have to say about that.

I am going to book a session with my therapist next week. I need to decompress, or something. It’s at least one hour of being in a safe space.

I was up crazy early today. I couldn’t fall back asleep. It was like my life decided to flash before my eyes. My savior complex did at least. All the people I’ve helped at the expense of myself. I understand now that it was a way of avoiding helping myself. I don’t need help if I’m helping. I’ve never stopped to think about it. To be proud about it. I’m not a monster. I am a hypercritical bitch with a big mouth and unpalatable value systems, yes, but I am a people builder. I’m more of a wrecking ball than a hammer and nail, however. Change is a destructive process, we have to tear people down, so to speak. To make room for the new and improved version. That’s more where my influence is. The dark side of healing. The destructive side. A controlled demolition, if you will. The bad cop, the stern parent… a Capricorn.

I’ve been up since 3 AM. I watched Uglies when I got home from my long day of thrifting with Ange. The movie was awful. Bad movies are entertaining for being bad movies so I enjoyed it. I took some CBD oil first and it knocked me out around 7:30 PM. I have brunch with the girls later. I could start writing or working on one of my side quests but I really want to go to the gym after this entry. I decided not to switch to the gym down the street. I can afford the “upgrade” but I would rather use that money toward something else. I could use it somewhere else I should say. I still want the upgrade, I just don’t need it. Gotta be my own parent here. You can’t get everything you want.

Next week we start our regular programming, shift-wise. I know what my days look like now so I’m able to book that therapy session. I want to find myself a Financial Advisor as well. A proper one, not a bank one. Gotta sit down and set myself up with some goals. That whole thing. I’ve been pretty aimless and unstructured but I am giving myself some grace. I was just making room for all these new changes. I want to connect with myself again. How can I serve god and the truth? I really am excited about all of the teachings I am going to receive from this organization I work at. I get to connect to the culture Christians decimated. Apply it to my journey. Do everything in service to our creator (energy at rest). I get to meet elders and knowledge-keepers. Participate in ceremonies. It’s long overdue.