Brain Food in Current Events

I’m stewing on my eBook. I’m not avoiding it. I don’t want this to be another thing that I start and never finish. In a captured essence, we have lightworkers but I want to make room for shadow workers. Ain’t nobody got time for toxic positivity. It is very Pisces energy to want to stay away from all negativity. To try and pretend that the world is all sunshine and rainbows. Just think positive. This gaslighting needs to end. The world is dark and full of terrors because so is our psyche.

The big idea is to make shame okay again. To normalize being judgemental and having standards. Having strong values. It is okay to want to be better than somebody else. To create boundaries. Change is a destructive process, we have to tear a person down to make room for whatever is next. Most people who are failing at life and health are not victims. They have weak characters and make bad choices. Society gives us the script that we are supposed to give everybody accommodation, compassion, patience, & understanding. Codependent people are parasitic. They are victims in situations they created. It should be okay to leave it as their problem. They made their beds, they can lay in them. The most important person in an emergency is oneself. Being selfish is demonized.

Devil’s advocate, that’s the idea. I’m just playing with ideas on here. When we know what we want, we are supposed to just focus on that. There is another side to it we don’t look at. When we know what we want, we also know what we don’t want. When we know who we want to be, we know who we don’t want to be. It is taboo to look down on it. To talk down on it. I’m okay with judging others and putting them to shame. The more insecure they act and lash out at me, the more motivated I get. Haters are motivators. I saw an article, another propaganda piece that is trying to condition us for communism, about how reading to your kids disadvantages other kids. Now we have to raise everybody to be illiterate fucks in the name of accommodation, compassion, patience, and understanding. This is absolute garbage. We all need room to grow.

I’m off today. I’m giving this day to myself. I’m trying to connect with my goals and with myself. I let it all go over the last several weeks to make room for all these positive changes. I’m surprised and impressed with myself for giving myself some grace. It’s been two months with only one episode of my mood disorders. It is still going strong. I don’t know what I am doing right. Once my coffee is done I’m taking a detox bath and then doing a coffee enema. My grocery order will get here before then but it is what it is.

I’m also working on delaying gratification. I had to throw my gym routine into the category of instant gratification. It can be a reward system. It gets in my way, I am noticing. I have to restructure all of my routines.

I failed to choose peace this weekend. That is what my therapist wanted me to do whenever my roommate triggered me. She left me all of her mess from last night. When I get upset about it, she is the victim? Becaue I’m not understanding and compassionate? I don’t know what choosing peace for myself looks like. I think it would be like me putting on my big boy pants and talking to her instead of passive-aggressively slamming my bedroom door creating a toxic environment. I could be wrong. I’m just a soulless monster trying to cosplay as a decent human being, afterall. I will just talk with her. Again. I’ve had this conversation with her so many times. Can you be an actualized adult for fuck sake? Being a 40-year-old teenager is why you are desperately alone. You are a complete burden to everyone in your life and maybe some shame would do you good. The way you live is vile and profane, grow up a little bit, would ya? Please and thank you. I’ll have to work on how to word that nicely. Be demure, be mindful, be cutesy.

I logged onto the second masterclass that I signed up for yesterday. It’s in a zoom call and I stay quiet when they are recording. It is very awkward that they try to get me to talk and socialize. Near the end of it, they put me on the spot and I blew them all away with my rhetoric. It felt good. This is what I want to do and it is going to help me get comfortable in front of that damn record button. It feels culty, though. That group. Joanna is the one I am friends with on FB. We interact a bit and I felt it was high time that I joined her website. She teaches everything metaphysical. Everything in the rabbit hole is there. I can actually talk to people on my level. Her husband is on there too. He is the one who keeps trying to get me to engage. I can tell he is deprived of masculine energy. They do a guy’s night on there and he invited me to it. We shall see. These people all go on retreats together so maybe I should start working on my passport.

Speaking of masculine energy. That is something I am also deprived of. I don’t know how to bro anymore. It’s been decades. My life is full of women. At my new job, our program is strictly for boys and run by men. My team is all men and I am trying to vibe. I’m doing alright. I’m not matching any energy, per se. I just add my own to the mix and hope for the best. So far so good.

So my coffee is done. I’m out! Deuces.