Heavy Heart To Carry in Current Events

Today was even longer than yesterday. I have a lot that I need to read. Every other job I’ve had trained with online modules. I’m not good at reading so I am plowing through it at a glacial pace. It doesn’t help that the material is very heavy on my heart. I’m excited to work with the youth but I forgot where they come from. What if one tells me in confidence that he is being abused? The little guy would only tell me because he would want me to save him. I know the protocol but that is a very real scenario.

Just after I left, I was in my car thinking to myself can I handle this? Then I realized where I was. I was stuck in traffic beside the building where I experienced my own trauma. On the other side, the park where I experienced more trauma. I was fine. I think I got this.

I don’t know how to be around masculine energy anymore. Can I do this? I only have one male friend and it is impossible to get him to come out and play (he’s a Cancer). Andy, my coordinator, asked if I wanted to join him on an errand. Take a break from reading. In the car he told me about how our conversation in the morning got him deep in thought. We started talking some more. Well, he did most of the talking. He told me some things he hasn’t really shared with anyone. I feel comfortable talking to you. First of all, that is what I am saying! I said it in my interview. Guys just do that. They open up to me. I’m a natural. I think these kids are going to like me. I really want to have an impact on them. I feel like I am in the right place.

I was overthinking about this gig some more on my long ride home. Everything feels like it is falling into place the exact way it should be. I’ve been talking about this non-profit long before I got hired for this program. This program wasn’t running at that time. It’s just starting up again. This is an exciting time for them as well. We’re all in this together. Even Diego, the part-timer. Andy was telling HR that they made room in the budget for another full-timer. It sounded like Diego is going to be full-time also. His backstory is different, which is great. He was on the wrong side of the tracks. He had to declare a criminal history. He wants to prevent kids from making the same mistakes. He’s more connected to Indigenous culture than I am. Andy had no experience until he started at this non-profit, which is my current situation. This morning, the coordinator of the program that works to restore the culture Christianity tried to destroy, started his shift playing the drum and singing an ancestral song. He gave me a pamphlet on his way out today. I want to explore the activities he has going on.

One of my background checks was emailed to me last night. My Criminal Record. I was so relieved. I sent it to HR right away. We have to use Outlook which is garbage. I restarted it and checked my inbox and saw that she had replied. I saw that six hours later because Outlook was frozen the whole day. The Criminal Record Check was not sufficient. She needed me to try again from the police station. That’s another $60. That’s another 10 business days. My understanding is that I need one of my checks in to be allowed to work with the participants. The Abuse Registry I am confident will be up to par. It was the same link she sent me. What got under my skin though was her explaining what to do followed by as originally instructed. I wanted to clap back. Girl, where!? Show me where it was originally instructed. I had been flying blind with those for weeks. It’s too soon for HR drama and nobody is making it a big deal except me so… I’m remaining calm. I feel bad that they can’t host anything in the building while I am there.

When I got home, I was able to force-feed myself everything I packed for work. Then I heated some soup I had frozen last week. I officially ate enough today. I am giving myself some grace with this because this is natural for anxiety disorders. I forgot about that until I ready it this morning.

Anyway, the day is over. I am too tired for the gym so I am going to go to bed early so that I can go in the morning.