Holding on in 2023

It’s a little after 1am. I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and am sitting barefoot on my front porch, tears streaming silently down my cheeks.

I wish I could say I was tired of crying … but I’m afraid that would mean I was tired of missing you, and I’m not.

Sometimes I think the tears and the pain and the ache is all I have left to comfort me.

It’s chilly out. It rained today. Autumn is here. The wind rustles through the trees and I wonder if it’s you? Do you miss me? Can you see me down here? Are you proud of me? I’m sorry I’m such a mess, Babes .. it wasn’t supposed to be like this, was it?

You promised me forever …

… a heart that’s been broken has been loved …

And still I wouldn’t change a thing .. if it had to end like this, if there was no way to save you, if you really had to go … I wouldn’t change a thing except to love you even harder for as long as I could.

I should have gotten to love you longer. We should have had more time. Goddamnit Babes, we deserved more time, needed more time. I needed more time.

With you.

All I have is time now. Alone. Time. Endless time without you, waiting to wake up from this nightmare. Neverending … timeless … nightmare.

I still don’t want to be here. Not here. Not anywhere. Without you. I’ve been trying so hard, Babes, so fucking hard to pick it up .. to be what I should be, what they expect.

Sad, but living. Grieving, but smiling. Aching, but moving on.

I’m sad, but not living. Grieving, but faking a smile. Aching, and stuck.

Stuck.

Stuck with the tears. Stuck with the hurt, the anger, the pain, the fucking unfairness of it all.

528 days, Babes. And forever counting.

5 minutes … 5 hours … 5 days … 5 weeks … 5 months … 5 years … 5 decades … how much longer?

I’m so tired, my love. I don’t wanna feel better, I don’t wanna not remember.

… I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky, but I will not say goodbye …

I wish you would just take me with you.