Wellness Check in Current Events

You’ll never guess what I’m going to complain about.

My inability to take action. I have nothing pressing to do. I should rejoice! Instead, I feel guilt and shame because I have ADHD paralysis for no reason. I have an entire bookshelf full of books that I want to read. I have a plethora of side quests that I want to start working on but I can barely get my ass off of the couch. I get sucked into the abyss that is doom-scrolling.

I did go to the gym this morning. I fought with myself about it. I really didn’t want to go but I went. I binged the Bhagavad Gita on Audible which got my mind exactly where it needs to be. I think this is where the guilt and shame came from. Rule #1: do not desire inaction. I need to do everything in service of God, in a captured essence. Do not let him suffer in this mind and body. I’m on the right track but must walk through life unafraid and unaffected. Free from desire. That is the hard part. We are not free from what we do because we are not free from what we want. I need to master my mind already. I need to practice meditation.

I am trying to give myself some grace. I start a new job on Monday. Change is hard on my fragile little psyche. Even if it is positive it is a destructive process. It is a death. Old systems and structures in my mind have to die. The novelty will do my ADHD a lot of good. I can’t make any big moves yet because I don’t even know what my schedule is, for starters. I’m stuck in wait mode, still. [Life will commence in 5, 4, 3…]

Even though I am struggling with my eating habits, I managed to gain 5 lbs. Just 15 more to go. I have butterflies instead of an appetite so I have to force-feed myself. I’ve been pretty dependent on oil for calories. MCT, flaxseed, and coconut. I did so much cooking on the weekend so that I could have food readily available in the freezer for these episodes. I need to get it together.

So what do I want? I am suddenly beginning to wonder. I have been in struggle mode since 2018. I have wanderlust, let’s start there. I want to see new places and see new faces. Pretty faces. I don’t even have a passport. I will start that process this weekend. This evening, I am going to try and meditate and work on my inner equilibrium. I want a partner, a lover. I don’t even know what that looks like. Age-appropriate people are… well, they don’t look 25 like me. I’ll just say that. I am stumping myself here. What do you want?? I don’t know! Leave me alone! There are just a few things here and there that cross my mind. I really want to take a kickboxing class. Teach myself guitar. Tarot. blah blah blah

If I visit my value systems, it would appear that I do want inaction. I desire inaction. I value this shame and guilt more than the alternative. It is a false sense of structure and control. That is obvious. I learned that much about myself over the years. Fear controls my life. They’re just thoughts. I remind myself often. However, I’m not even having backward thoughts and I’m still like this.

My ADHD crossed my mind earlier. I was looking at my messy room and I saw this disease. I see it everywhere in my little world right now. Disease category complicates the picture. This is just a dopamine deficiency. I literally cannot motivate myself to do things. That is the battle. A strong spiritual practice could be what I need. On the other hand, I have different fingers. The brain has a metabolism and mine has a deficiency that could be corrected. Dr. Chris Palmer, keto is his answer there. Fasting would be easier for me but… I can’t afford that right now. Not while I’m trying to correct my absorption issues.

On with my evening then. I will try… meditation. Just the thought makes my skin crawl. Hawk-tuah!