Chasing attraction in A transparent lockbox

Tonight I am struggling with the frailty of attraction. How one thing can change and suddenly you aren’t as desirable as you once were. This is coming from a place of a degraded ego on my part. There is this stupid thing in me that wants to change myself to all the things I’m told would make me more attractive. I have always considered myself to be an acquired taste. Personally, I love how I look from my face to my style to my hair, but not everyone does. The idea of changing how I look to be more conventionally attractive is so that I can be desired and praised for it all, just to reject it. I want to be offered all that has been spared from me and to turn it away. Seems to be rooted in spite regarding how shallow and cruel people can be if you aren’t what they think you should be. Because why the fuck now, after a haircut, would I become absurdly more attractive. It is almost a revenge fantasy of sorts except I just want to be able to say I had the control and not that I never had the choice. I truly don’t want any of it anyway. My sex drive is fried, when I date people I only see them every 2-3 weeks, and I love my alone time. I don’t like that I have this desire to be desired only to reject it, because it feels so pointless, but I just want to feel less slighted by the world. And eventually, in thinking about it, it wraps around to how what is attractive is so often defined by trends and current culture, and it makes me wonder if people are attracted to the people they say they are, or if they just feel those are the people they should be attracted to. It is all fucked up and so complicated in my mind. The way that people can say certain races aren’t attractive, and then a few decades later they are the most attractive. It is this distorted game that can mess with people’s sense of self and worth. And then comes the thought “If I do what they say just to see how differently I’m treated, I’m just playing that game too” and it makes me value my originality and how I am now more. It is this forever unwinding echoing loop of vanity that we either follow or are no longer of appeal. Can I be taken as I am? Will I let myself? How do I let go of my resentment and spite? How do I want to be desired?