For Better or for Worse in Current Events

My mind dissociates from my body causing a functional freeze. This is when I will rot in my bed for most of the day. Every small task feels too overwhelming. I have not experienced this in almost two months because my anxiety and depression are still on hiatus. I still don’t know what I am doing right. I do remind myself that they’re just thoughts whenever I notice my anxiety triggers. I remind myself that I have a body by forcing myself to move whenever I sense my depression triggers are present. I’m working on my anger by choosing peace. It’s hit and miss. The brain has a metabolism and I’ve completely restructured my diet to heal my gut. I think my brain, as an organ, followed suit.

There are some things that I cannot connect with the same. Music, for starters. I can’t connect to the same songs. Just anger and angst. Heavy metal. Falling In Reverse’s latest album is my gym playlist. My passions, I can’t connect.

My ADHD is still alive and well. I can see what behaviors are attached to it and not to the mood disorders. I have some habits that I am struggling to change. My spending. I need to budget my meals. Start meal planning. Up my meal preps. Make meals that I can freeze. Learn to can. I still buy things I don’t need. As soon as I have free time, my mind goes to shop Shop SHOP! I surrender to it. I at least just window shop but then I end up using up gas. I saw a leather Balenciaga jacket at Winners the other day. It was $250 and too rich for my blood. I saw some minger trying it on. Once he put it down I got possessed by the shopping demon and bought it because it felt sacrilegious to waste it on him. I felt like I was saving the gorgeous jacket… I have issues. I can’t find the receipt. I have 30 days to return it. My favorite coat for autumn and spring, I had to toss it last year. It died of old age. So… maybe this isn’t a lost cause? (I’m a Taurus rising)

I can’t motivate myself to clean. I am neat and tidy. It’s unreasonable. However, now I look like an ADHD person with piles of things that need to get sorted and done. Organized chaos. This isn’t like me. Anxiety was my fuel source for being a clean freak. I’m working on this.

Prosebox is getting abused by me. I can’t go a day without it. Ugh. I hate that I have vices.

Food. My relationship with food is abnormal, as it is with ADHD people. Anxiety made me force structure. Now I’m just… not doing enough.

Anyway, we are in another heat warning. I am going to go visit my sister and her kids for a bit. I shall force-feed myself first.

https://youtu.be/_iF7lkXKHlA?si=ip4yz_S9wgF_a9Nm

Last updated August 24, 2024