another long long weekend in Each Day

If I didn’t work…
I sat with that sentence for some time. I had started to say, “If I didn’t work, my life would be better”. But when I typed the word “work”, my brain interjected “for my employer”, and it gave me pause. M and I talk about this often. When we were first together he was very committed to his work. He says he doesn’t know who that guy was.
On a tangentially related thought, I told M he was the most like the guy I fell in love with, since coming home from his course. He was so miserable on his course I was actually worried for him. But since then he’s all, inviting people to the house, wanting to do things in public and doing other things that I never would have expected…

Anyway. if I had the same job for any other organization I guarantee the day to day would be essentially the same. Too many emails, too little doing, but I’m able to go home on time and not think about work when I’m home. But because of who I work for, there’s always the axe of moving hanging over our heads. If I knew I was going to live here for the next 19 years, There’d be SO MUCH LESS stress.

It’s not that I don’t want to work. I don’t really mind going to work. But the person I get to be at home is not the same person that I have to be at work. That’s masking for you.
I may have said this before, but it’s something that is really resonating with me lately, “The opposite of belonging is fitting in” (apparently Brene Brown said this. I am unsurprised). I’ve talked about this at work - to Old Boss, and a few women I’ve had more personal conversations with.

I’ve been feeling stuck. My motivation has declined. I feel paralyzed by the things I have to do and the things I want to do. I haven’t even picked up my embroidery projects for over a week. Even at craft night last week I was like, Nah, and just sat and chatted.
I made an appointment with a woman doctor because I can’t keep feeling like this. I want to get my hormones checked (again?), I’m thinking about going back on birth control, or asking about HRT, because my ADHD is out of control, my brain constantly feels like I’m short circuiting, I can’t remember a fucking thing.
Twice last week I had to sit with Big Boss with my coworkers and talk about our processes and how we can make them better. He specifically gave me the task to figure out how to make my position more efficient. I’m sitting there thinking, “dude, I can barely do my job when all I’m doing is intermediary shit… I’m not capable of running the show”.
Oh, and he asked me if I wanted to take lead on a project that would include me flying across the country in one of our own aircraft, and when I told M he was like, “ABSOLUTELY NOT. I will not allow you to get on one of those”. I told him I’d already declined, though did accept a deputy position since it wouldn’t include travel.

This weekend M finally got back to a track, and I had a longer D&D session than usual. We’ve mostly hung out at home and enjoyed each other’s company. This is where I was going with the opening of my entry. Home is such a haven for me. Being around M. Cuddling my cat.

OH MY GOD!!! I totally buried the lead!
The breeder we got Valentino from had two litters!! We’ve been on the list since we lost Jinx last December. I have my eye on a little boy, she called him a “chocolate marble tabby”. His mama is this beautiful mottled light brown and orangey brown. Depending on which cat we get, our kitten could be home as early as October 25th.

On that note. I’m going to bed. Work tomorrow, and craft night. Only 3 days to the weekend. Bring it on.