Hanging On in Still Listening to Spirit
- Oct. 28, 2014, 2:09 a.m.
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- Public
My stomach is killing me. It hurts and I hate it. I have taken the clonzepan Lynne refilled for me and am hoping it will calm down
I called Lynne today and left a message. She called me back around 1pm. I told her about the suicide episode and she asked “Did you call John”. I told her no, I am not sure he and I are a good ‘fit’.
Lynne said: “I loIve you. You are one of the most kind-hearted, warm and caring people I know. We need you in this world. ”
She noted that this downward spiral started about the time I thought Bill was going to die. She said that had a profound impact on my mind, body and brain chemicals. She asked if I thought this was true and perhaps something I need to work through with John.
This resonated as true. My hopelessness, my belief that I am tired and done could very well have started then. I think I can work on the problem, now that it has been identified.
Lynne also said I should go somewhere by myself where I cn sit and ask the question “What is my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing? ” Lynne said if I am lucky, I will get an answer.
I told Lynne that Spirit always gives me answers and I will ask.
Lynne told me that this is not something that is going to come together any time soon. Everything I am doing, the exercise DVD, SAD light, eating properly, taking meds, monitoring glucose and insulin is a start but that is only beginning. Hormones, brain chemicals, each thing effects every other thing and it can all circle back to do over again with changes.
I am hanging on, hanging in and am going to keep my 2pm appointment with John and suggest he help me with this recent past with Bill and dying, and hopelessness and so on rather than what we have been doing cognitively about my family of origin.
Heartfelt thanks for the notes of comfort, suggestions, encouragement and LOVE.
Blessed be!
Daisy Mae ⋅ October 28, 2014
I am heartsick to know that you have been so low. I am happier knowing that you plan to see John and pray that you tell him exactly what you have been feeling. Dear Cindy, too many people love you to let you go. {{{hugs}}}
noko ⋅ October 28, 2014
Ughhh, the stomach thing. Hope you can get some relief. And soon. I just read this book on how the gut works and it is amazing and complicated.
Lynne is a jewel and it is good you could talk to her. I do think isolation is contraindicated in your present circumstances and yet I totally get why you don't want to talk to the therapist in the way it has been going.
We have a new intern minister that is a clean and sober addict and alcoholic. I was listening to his sermon from a few weeks ago online yesterday and he says something that is obvious but bears hearing again, that our feelings don't always tell us the truth. And that is where (in the case of this sermon) the dark side gets in.
We are all out here with our light sabers ready and willing to protect you should you need it. May the force be with you during this long complicated and rocky recovery.
MageB ⋅ October 28, 2014
Just tons and tons of love coming up from here. That's a great idea she suggested. Then more love.
Hillbilly Princess ⋅ October 28, 2014