The Abyss in The New Book

I have daddy issues. It’s just a fact.

I was doing okay, better than I ever expected I would. I was getting out there. I went to a hot springs/spa for the 1st time. Made an entire girls day out of it. I had a blast. Walked around in a swimsuit for most of the day surrounded by gorgeous women & didn’t spend the day wishing I looked like them. I was comfortable in my own skin. I’ve been working out. I’ve been eating right for the most part. I’ve been enjoying the hell out of life!

Then, I dealt with some daddy stuff.

I had worked it out with my therapist. My father belongs in the abyss on my boundary map. He is in no-man’s land along with the exe. I’m a fucking idiot. I tried to extend my father further than that. I attempted a simple birthday text. As I should’ve expected, I basically slammed myself full force into a fake tunnel …coyote/roadrunner style …meep meep. No comic speedy recovery though.

I’m not worth his time or effort. Never have been because I’m …worthless. This is the result. This is where I have now ended up for my effort. Same way it turned out when I was …7 …11 …13 …17 …19 …some many more times …so why not at 48.

I’d like to just …stop. So, that’s a lot of what I’ve been doing. Be Nothing. Cease to exist. Then, I shame myself for doing nothing.

Then, I eat. And shame myself for that.

Then, I sit quietly attacking myself for not showering …for not going to the gym …for not cleaning the stove or making the bed …for dropping a fork …for spending too much money …for not making enough money …for forgetting to throw the trash …for not cleaning my hair out of the drain …for accidentally breaking my makeup mirror …for being a fuck up of a Mother, Sister, Daughter, Lover. On & on it goes in my head, endlessly calling myself the worst names for the simplest & not so simplest things.

It’s an endless cycle of negativity that’s just crashing into me constantly with no peace. No escape. I might need a medication adjustment. At least that’s what I’m hoping because I don’t know what else to do right now.

I am stuck in a very, very bad place in my head. I attack myself. I am my exe in my head. I have replaced his abuse with my own self torture.

I’m trying. I really am. I can’t sleep. I’m so exhausted.