Thought Less in Current Events

They are just thoughts. I have been telling myself. That is my current mantra. The missing piece that my therapist gave me. Today, my thoughts were racing so hard that it felt like a hole was burning through my skull again. My brain is a weapon of mass creation. I can’t just turn it off. The idea of people being able to tame their thoughts just makes me angry. I cannot imagine such a thing as being possible. Then I look around at all these creeple who are clearly functionally brain damaged and I got envious. I could just exist without a second thought about anything like they do. Just be hijacked by that blindspot in my psyche and be an NPC like the rest of them. Just let life happen to me.

Then there are those who don’t even have an internal monologue. How?! I also think in pictures. Worse than that, I can smell my thoughts. Like I have synesthesia. It makes my memories very powerful.

I can’t tell where will ends and where it begins. I feel like the compulsive part of my psyche has been in control. I decided to go against everything I wanted to do today. I let myself nap on the couch for most of the afternoon. I fell asleep to the latest season of The Umbrella Academy. I can’t let it win! I told myself. I feel torn up about it but those are just emotions. Yes yes, how existential of me. I think the biggest sign that I am powerless to it is when I am writing way too much on Prosebox.

On that note, I do need to move on with my day. I have a million things to do but I am in avoidance and procrastination mode. That whole ADHD thing where I save everything for the last minute so that I can get a bigger dopamine hit. ADHD is very manipulative, I can’t trust myself. Blah!