Blindsided in 2023

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t want to write this but maybe writing it out will help me shake it off somehow?

Your sister texted me 2 days ago … a flurry of hatred & accusations & name calling. I was so caught off guard .. I still am.

She was absolutely wild because I had brought your cremains with me here, to spread a little in all the places we never got to go together. She accused me of taking every part of you, claiming that she & Jay had nothing of you, and that your ashes belong with your parents.

I was dumbfounded. The week before I moved I had gone to lunch with your whole family and we talked about me taking your cremains with me - your Mom has an engraved urn like I do, and the night before I left your Dad brought the rest of you to me - just a small cardboard box wrapped in a green velvet bag - so I could fill two pendants with some of your ashes for him and then take the box west with me. Which is exactly what I did.

Prior to leaving, I had packed an entire big rubbermaid container with your baseball medals & trophies & memorabilia, Christmas & birthday cards your family had given you that you had kept over the years, your fancy clothes & your suit in hopes they would fit your brother, etc. and gave it all to your Mom. Jay had specifically asked for one of your medals but he’s in no shape to take care of himself, much less anything of yours so precious, so I thought giving everything to your Mom to hold was for the best.

Shortly after you died I gave your sister a bracelet with a silver baseball on it that had been yours, I gave Jeff one of your NBA hats, and I gave your Mom one of your bottles of cologne. I rolled your Dad a bit fat one to smoke in your honor, ha.

I have a bunch of your every-day clothes set aside to be made into memorial teddy bears which I will add a small vial of your ashes into the stuffing of each and each of your family members will get one. I haven’t gotten them done yet because they’re not cheap to get done and I want them done right.

I thought everything was okay. Apparently not.

According to your sister, I’m a selfish piece of shit (that’s a direct quote from her texts) for taking you with me, and she actually had the audacity to ask if I was “fucking happy about it” … I was horrified.

I still am.

I spoke to both your Mom & Dad who assured me everything was fine, your cremains are with me where they belong, and Ky was just out of her damn mind.

I tried over and over to explain to her that we had all previously agreed on this, but she just kept ranting at me .. if I knew how to block her from texting me I would have .. it was awful. I cried all that day and drank every drop of alcohol I had in my house - which wasn’t even enough to make the pain stop, nevermind the tears.

I deleted her from my FB, which she then went on a tirade about via text too, along the lines of “don’t fucking post this conversation to your FB for all your friends to comment on!!” … excuse me, what the fuck?

It started to click a little when your Mom said to me, “you’re not always the victim. You’re not the victim” … I didn’t know what she meant and didn’t ask, I couldn’t deal with more .. and then she said something about how she had seen my post on FB wishing my oldest son a happy birthday and asked me how I thought it felt for her to see that because her oldest son is dead.

What? Are you serious? You’re basically giving me shit for thinking I’m a “victim” because I fucking miss you!? Because I’m abso-fucking-loutely destroyed by your death and I post often about you and how much I miss you, and I have the biggest greatest most loving group of friends surrounding me and supporting me AND YOU DON’T!? And I should feel fucking guilty about that!? I shouldn’t wish my son a happy birthday!? I shouldn’t grieve so hard because I just lost my soulmate and she lost her son!? Is this a fucking competition of who hurts more!??!

Dumbfounded. Appalled. Disgusted even.

Babes, I’m sorry, but your family - NONE OF THEM - talk diddly shit about you being gone, about missing you, about grieving, not a fucking thing. Your Dad had your remaining cremains for the past year & half before I moved and not one of them asked for their own memorials of you; I practically begged you brother & sister both to come to our apartment and take anything they wanted of yours to remember you by - they never did.

And now I’m being shit on for having you, for missing you, for being an open book about our love, our life, our loss, my pain.

I just … I don’t even know anymore. I’m terrified to post anything about grief on my FB anymore, despite deleting your sister and adjusting my settings so your Mom can’t see any of my posts anymore. What if everyone feels that way? That I’m just a “victim” of grief who won’t shut up about it?

I sent Ky a long text the next day, basically telling her she had no right to speak to me the way she did and now she won’t have an opportunity to speak to me again, period. That your memory, your cremains, and anything else to do with how I grieve you has nothing to do with her because I’m your fucking widow and was the one who screamed over your literal cold dead body that morning. I suggested that in the future she considers her words before speaking (texting) them because once said, they can’t be unsaid.

She fell all over herself apologizing, saying she had misunderstood things blah blah. I’ve not even read her last few messages and certainly have no intention of responding.

I feel sick with it all.

I fucking miss you .. and now I’m afraid to even do that anymore.