Run Around For Payment in Journal 2024
- Aug. 7, 2024, 4:12 p.m.
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- Public
Currently on the run around trying to get my author account verified on another site. Also found my book under some other author’s goodreads account further proving I chose a BAD pen name. Good thing I’m publishing my next novel under a new one.
But anyway, it’s midnight. Why am I still up. I have no idea. Manuel and I spoke today and he asked to buy me jewelry. My mind immediately went to you know a diamond of some kind. I declined due to circumstances (I lose jewelry BADLY) but I wanted to say yes so bad (even though he tried to bargain down the offer to a bracelet since I was worried about a ring).
I watched a good video on “Prozac Nation” and overall it made me think I have BPD again (old entries circa 2019 I speak about this). The actions of the memori writer aligned to mine very uncomfortably. I also stopped therapy BTW back in the beginning of this year, forgot to mention that. Took a class for possible psychology minors and proceeded to wreck myself this spring.
I was struggling in the class and spoke to Manuel about it. He convinced me to stay in the class and I found myself calling myself a pussy in my head from having anxiety over what I read/learned. I’ve been trying to regulate my emotions – I don’t meditate anymore, but that’s always gonna be a struggle. I was more so just feeling like the class was too real…considering my current life.
I stopped therapy because I just felt like it was a waste of my time. You may be like, well isn’t that counterproductive? You sound very stressed and you went to therapy multiple times a week for two years. To that I say, yes. But it’s too late to change that. I don’t think I ever mentioned this due to embarrassment or whatever but I tried to overdose last year and after that I decided not to tell anyone/just give up on therapy/dive into school head on.
So that left me with my GPA going from like 1.4 to 2.1 and me finally finishing half of my two degree program. I feel like I’ll be a OKAY teacher. Like unless a parent can read my brain about how much I hate myself and dread waking up, I’ll be cool. Why does everyone want me to be a teacher? Well people assume that’s all you can get while having a liberal arts degree.
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