Boyfriend Woes in Journal 2024

We spoke. I have been in what I can only describe a maniac state of anxiety and fear and I spent that night I wrote my previous entry up blasting club and hyper music, crying my eyes out hyperventilating unsure of what to do or say.

Of course he noticed and asked was okay. Crowded around me and tried to comfort me. Asked was it him. Was it something he did. I tried to lie but I couldn’t and I said I’m so afraid and ashamed of myself. That I have frequent nightmares of him judging me for my lifestyle and my mind and my refusal to be religious.

I’ve had numerous people act shocked I’m not a religious woman. I guess its because I’m quiet, I’m very mousy and I want to settle down with a family. I really didn’t think this would make people think I was religious until my boyfriend admitted one day he thought I was pro life.

He assumed based on my goals and lifestyle. This was months ago and I was withered. But anyway. We are talking about yesterday, I believe. I unloaded on how uncomfortable religion makes me and how I don’t want him to become someone I cannot recognize. It’s hard because it’s painful.

He listened. He had to because I said so muc we spoke for 2 hours which was mainly me saying how fearful and how pained I was. He said I was very supportive and that I wasn’t as bad as I made myself up to me. He said he wasn’t trying to change and he still saw the world the same.

Just changed. Its hard but I feel relieved I guess.

I feel I guess better? I feel not as stressed. But I know, in the future, I’ll spiral again and never come back. I just know myself.