Sweet dreams in Vulnerability

Well it’s been a rough few days, notably a few days ago when the horrid thoughts were there. This happened the same night as earlier in the day I’d had the paramedics at work looking me over when I felt like I was dying. Now my thoughts were trying to kill me instead. Dark, dark, dark, and I’d rather forget they happened, but they did, and they were driving me crazy. I’ve said it before, but it actually feels like being whacked in the head with a cricket bat. Like, not the painful part of it, but the knocking me out part, if that makes any sense. Whatever that feeling is called is what it is.
I feel like the only thing that got me through that night was using my CalmCarry and exhausting myself to sleep. The next morning, I thought about what I did differently. I had eaten four big slices of salami I had bought at the EKKA. I remember reading that salami causes depression. Whether that’s true or not, that was enough for me to throw the bag out, completely throwing away the $50+ I had spent on yummy salami :( But, I wasn’t risking it. I have tried to rationalise throwing that out with the fact I found a yummy tea instead. Even writing that, I realize that I was kicking myself for throwing away money and telling myself I shouldn’t have bought it in the first place (as I always have in the past with no issues) but am trying to be kinder to myself about it.
MAN that was a scary night.

I’ve had a few dreams since then. That same night, I had a dream about Jax, whom was a lovely dog who passed away last year whom was owned by a friend of a friend. He was an ex police-dog and had a beautiful temperament and was never any trouble. I don’t recall much else of the dream other than the end of it, where Jax was looking down at me with angel wings on and smiling, his tongue out.

I’ve been feeling really dizzy and thinking something is wrong with me and that I need to see my doctor, until I Googled if anxiety causes dizziness. Google told me immediately that it is very common. Ironically, dizziness also causes anxiety, so this is pretty much hell I’m living.
Given my Labrinthitis diagnosis late last year, it’s a bit traumatic to be experiencing those similar dizziness feelings, although those were debilitating. This is just annoying. I have to make sure I am holding rails as I’m descending or ascending stairs. I also need to get my fucking anxiety under control so that I am not as dizzy. It is so complex and feels like I am juggling a lot of balls. I am dealing with anticipatory grief and I’m doubling up on anxious feelings because I’m not experiencing the actual grief of my father just yet.
My therpist noted that I have a lot of plates piling up at once, and my brain is doing what it’s designed to do. To freak out and think it’s protecting me, like it did with my ancestors. Thanks evolution!

The following night (night before last), I shocked myself awake. I think I may have even screamed, although I’m not sure. My throat did feel a little strange, so maybe it was a silent scream? I definitely screamed in the dream. There were three figures - a man in probably his mid 60’s or so whom I didn’t recognise, another man in his mid 30’s who resembled my friend Hayden whom I randomly ran into in Sydney, and myself as the third person. I only know it was me because I was initially talking to the older man, although I can’t recall what about. Then I seemed to switch to be observing the conversation between the older man and the middle-aged man, but I wasn’t in that scene - it was just those two talking. The older man didn’t know who the younger man was, but the younger man seemed to know the older man, and quite well. The vivid part of the dream I remember was the older man’s eyes widening as he couldn’t believe how much the younger man knew about him. The older man said to the other man, “Who are you?!” and in that instant, the younger man disappeared and was replaced by a baby sitting on the floor, looking up at the older man, with curious eyes.
The old man instantly knew.

I woke up with a sudden jolt. I don’t remember if I bolted up straight in bed, but that’s what it felt like in my head. That dream had really messed with me and was on my mind all morning.
I had to head to work and was trying to decipher it, and as I did, it couldn’t have been more clearer as to what’s going on in my life right now. Clearly the baby was the old man. The middle-aged man knew so much about the old man, as all three were the same person. All three were me. I’m going to be that old man one day (hopefully) and I need to learn to be kind to myself if I’m even going to make it there. Whether that old man didn’t recognise his younger-self because of dementia or because he just needed to be educated on it, I’m not sure, but he sure knew who the baby was. It’s funny because I’ve seen photos of me as a baby, and the baby in the dream didn’t really look like me in my baby photos, but I guess it doesn’t matter. It was still the same skin colour lol. That tells me that the older man didn’t recognise the younger man, and the younger man didn’t recognise the baby. So I never recognise my younger self? LOL. Help me Dream-Overlord!
Is this what my therapy has revealed to me? I’m now seven sessions in, and each time I’m there, I’m anxious about something, when I know deep down the anxiety is presenting itself because I have a need that’s not being met. Ergh. This is pretty exhausting.

I mean, it probably doesn’t seem like much to anyone reading this, as I guess it’s like, “Yeah I coulda told you that, Matt’ but Jebus, the sudden realization in my subconsciousness was clearly enough to jolt me wide away and fuck with my head for the rest of the day.

I’m off to my parents tomorrow, to spend an extra day with my dad before his birthday on Sunday. I think he may be in a wheelchair now. We’re having lunch at the Pittsworth pub, which is also where I had a final meal with my late grandmother (dad’s mum) so it’s a bit sombering to think about but nice as well, as the place has nice memories.

Last updated August 22, 2024