Well this is a fucking depressing entry in Vulnerability

So things are bleak.

After I wrote that last entry, my mum rang me.
That was a tough conversation, especially when I heard my mum break down over the phone.

The doctor has officially given my dad a few weeks to live. It’s pretty full on.
From clear scans only four weeks ago, to the cancer having taken over the base of his spine, to an approximate time limit.
My poor mum’s head is spinning with all the information.
Dad sent a recording over Facebook of one of the conversations they had with the doctor. It went for 20 minutes long. It involved many different options for treatment/trials. I could hear mum ask a few questions, including, “So why do you want the kids here next week?”, which he answered. Something about so we could all decide as a family which approach to take.
Less than 24 hours later, the Dr said he doesn’t have long to live. So now that all seems like it was to butter them up with some hope of a bit more time.
It’s lucky dad could even send me the recording over Facebook because I only unblocked him around four years ago or so. I’ve still never added him back as a friend. The previous conversation we had before he sent the recording was me wishing him a Happy 70th birthday. His response was, “The next milestone will be 80.”
But it was the conversation before that, that was still there from 2013. When we had our massive falling out. He had sent me bullshit about marriage being between a man and a woman and had told me to grow up. I had responded to him to go fuck himself and that he won’t be hearing from me for a long time.
That was true. It was about seven years that I didn’t talk to him after that.
Then in around 2021 or so, I decided he (or I) won’t be around forever, and unblocked him and started seeing him and talking to him again at family gatherings.

Now it seems that time has arrived. He still doesn’t accept I’m gay and will take that to his grave. I have spoken in length about this with my therapist and I like to think I’m in an accepting place with it, because it’s something I can’t change, even on his deathbed.

Anyway, I’ve had a few cries since. Mostly a few days ago. What a shit situation and fuck cancer and all that jazz. So now my grandmother, my sister and my dad have all had cancer diagnosis’. As far as I’m aware, my sister is in remission with hers (fingers crossed).
I thought my dad was 75 or 76 years old, but I was a bit off. He’s 72, due to turn 73 toward the end of this month. I’ll be amazed if he makes it, from the way things are sounding. I confirmed this from his Facebook details that I can see.

As far as I know, the meeting is still happening on Tuesday. I am still planning to stay in Toowoomba on Monday night to mentally prepare myself. Part of me has been wondering if dad will drop dead before a few of us can make it there.

He had another fall just this morning. Mum said she told him she was going to hang out the last of the washing, and whilst she was out of sight, he decided to go to the garage and tried to put weight on his left leg (the same one that gave out when he fell the first time!) and went down. Mum heard him call out to her, and she found him on his back, halfway in and halfway out of the garage door. He’d hit his head, so I’m hoping that was on the carpeted side and not the concrete garage.
Mum couldn’t get him back up but got the walker thingy on wheels and actually took a VIDEO of him putting his upper weight on the walker, crawling to the bedroom on his knees. I have no idea why anyone would film something like that, but mum decided to and send it to all us kids, so yeah. Fucking horrible. As if we don’t already feel terrible enough from this situation. Of course he wishes to maintain his independence. Who wouldn’t?
They’ve decided not to tell the doctor about this fall. Dad’s hurt his ankle from it and hit his head, so I don’t know how well that’s gonna work, or why they are doing it.

Well, I got to this part of this entry before tears have filled my eyes again, so I’ve done well.

My little brother rang me whilst I was at work yesterday (which he never does), but I was working and couldn’t answer, but I rang him back when I was finished. He was just kindly offering me a lift on Monday. He will be going straight out to the parents, wheras I will be only going as far as Toowoomba, where the meeting will be.
My sister started a group chat with us three brothers, suggesting we take dad to Picnic Point after the meeting. It’s a place where we often spent time as a family growing up, and the most convenient. Of course it will be up to dad if he wants to go there, but I think it would be lovely.
I don’t know how this is gonna go. I think there will be a lot of tears.
My poor mother. My sister and older brother have had an extra decade with this man. My mum has well over 50 years of marriage with him.

At least mum messaged yesterday saying that she took dad back home. That made me smile seeing that message.
My sister is also out of hospital, after her back operation. My older brother has also had his back operation, but they mean neither of them can drive for four weeks. I sent a message to my sister asking how she is coping, and she feels terrible because she can’t drive to be out there with them. I don’t get why her husband can’t drive her. I know she never likes to stay the night, but surely he could drop her off and pick her up? It’s only a 40 minute drive each way.

My younger brother will be staying there Mon-Thurs and I’ll be staying there Tues-Thurs, and getting a lift back home with him, more than likely. That’s the plan anyway, unless an emergency happens beforehand, in which case I’ll have to hire the first car I can and get out there hopefully in time to say goodbye to the man who helped bring me into this world.