Init Though in Current Events

I can’t remember my dream last night. I just know that it was wild. I think it had to do with parallel universes. It took place in a big apartment building. Each room led somewhere, or something. I remember being creeped out. At one point I was running away and hiding from my twin sisters. It was very The Shinning with them in the hall. They were themselves, I didn’t think they were real, or something. The last scene woke me up. I had long hair and I was in the mirror trying to play with it. Adjusting it ever so carefully as to not have to see any areas that were thinning. Then I saw a bald spot on the top by accident and boom! My eyes opened.

I knew that I was going to have a weird dream because I ate two chocolate bars after dinner. I have a weakness for dark chocolate-covered almonds. My dreams are more vivid when I eat sugar before bed.

I had that imposter syndrome for a few years, which I have mostly bounced back from. However, I still haven’t been able to look in the mirror. I just look at what I need to and get out. After my dream, I took a peek at my face this morning and I really do look young. My skin, it’s so youthful. My lips, to me, are the giveaway. They’re thinning as they do when you get old. I have no wrinkles, no creases, no bags under my eyes, no spots of any kind. I have my acne scars but my skin glistens in the light so it’s hard to see. Looks like baby skin. When did that happen? My skin looks like it was photoshopped otherwise. I glow. The acne scars are still a huge insecurity of mine, of course. When the lighting is not good and I accidentally get a glimpse of my reflection it is all I can see.

I want a phenol peel. It is an extreme chemical burn that nobody in their right mind would get. It’s a second-degree burn that removes almost every layer of skin. Then maybe a lip lift for good measure. Get those and my eyebrows microbladed. Then disappear to Turkey and come back with a hair transplant. Correcting my zinc deficiency might be all I need for that one, we shall see. Then there is the rest of my body. Maybe I’ll join the men’s mental health crisis and start taking steroids. My anger and libido have been oh-so manageable, let’s make it worse with steroids. I can’t afford any of it. In the last scene of my dream, I think it came from thinking about how I miss not having to worry about the troubled areas being exposed. I am in comb-over mode. The self-consciousness is a little heavy. It’s just two spots. My mother says that I just have a mature native American hairline. A deep widows peak sort of thing. I see what she is saying. I do miss long hair, period. I want to grow it all the way out again.

Once my coffee kicks in, I will go over my budget with ChatGPT and see how I can make the 2019 Charger work. I hate that they don’t have the carfax available. I want to see its service history and detailed history. You have to pay for it and the email for that doesn’t come through. I want to get an open loan and I want to pay it off way before the term is up. I’m ready to do SkipTheDishes as a side hustle if I have to. I just want to knock it down 10K so that I’ll feel better about it. I will try to negotiate that they drop it to 25k flat. It won’t work.

I went for a walk with Alex and Bruce yesterday. Alex quit her job at that non-profit I want to get into. She still encourages me to apply. It wasn’t a good fit for her. She aired out how she felt about the place. None of her issues will be an issue for me. She had a completely different role. She ran her program, I won’t be running anything. Bruce is the one who found Alex her new gig at a different non-profit that pays more. She sent me the postings for that as well. All of which require a vehicle. I have a lot to consider tomorrow. I won’t have time today.

Anyway, coffee kicked in. Gonna run those numbers and then hit up the gym. The girls and I are driving up north to the harbor town for the day. It’s going to be a hot one today. When we were trying to figure out what to do today, they rejected my idea of a hike. Spending an entire day walking around a small town is “a hike” enough. My crush at work, he is young. 13 years younger than me which is why I won’t let anything come of it. I do want to cultivate young friends because nobody my age does things. At least not with me. I want to go on hikes, go for swims, see places, etc. He does exactly that. He just joined a running club. Like what? Ew. Gross. I would do it though. I need to make friends. I would love to find a like-minded individual. I can’t even imagine finding somebody with the same energy as me. Someone on my level.