Pressure Point in 2024

I’ve been doing well staying productive since the last entry. Working out, having a fairly decent diet, practicing bass. Having a chip on my shoulder certainly helps, that’s often when I have the most motivation. I’ve been focusing on the friend that seemed to be ignoring me and I guess honing in on that as motivation to improve myself.

Well, I’ll have to find something else to focus on. She called yesterday and we talked for over three hours. She was spiraling and came very close to ending things. I feel bad for ever doubting her, and she said she wasn’t getting back to anyone, which makes sense when you’re depressed and feeling bad about yourself. It sounds like she’s learning to put up some boundaries and push away some of the people that were taking advantage of her and leeching her happiness, which is tough to do. I’m just glad she’s still here, it’s scary that things can be going that badly for someone where they’re considering finding, well, a permanent way out, and on the outside it’s not obvious at all. I lost contact with her for a few years, but if I lost her for good, that would fuck up me big time. I’m going to go down there in a couple weeks so we can have our group hangout, and I’m going to do whatever I can around the house to help out and try to ease her burdens a little. She has been through a lot in her life, and doesn’t have much of a support system near her to help her with her children and everything else. It’s not like there’s a ton I can do, but if nothing else I can take care of little things that need fixed or dealt with and make the overwhelming pile of things to deal with a little smaller.

I’m glad things are resolved there, but I still need to keep using this, I think. I do feel I can be candid with her, but we still don’t talk all that often(although I’m going to make more of an effort to check in regularly), and introspection suits me better with my deeper thoughts. A diary and the surrounding community will probably always be my go-to for a confidant, it’s just too baked into my habits at this point. And as far as that pressure point, well there are enough old wounds I can narrow in on and focus on for motivation. Especially living in Portland, there’s a decade of things that didn’t work out and related people that I might run into one day. The world often feels smaller than it should. I’m spiteful enough that I’d enjoy certain people seeing me do well and having a tinge of regret that they didn’t believe in me.

I haven’t had a lot of time, or should I say I’ve managed my time poorly, as far as job hunting. The job I have now is, well, fine. I work as a shipping clerk at a tool shop. The schedule is nice, Monday-Friday mornings, but there’s not much else I like about it. I’ve had far worse jobs, I just know it’s a dead end. It’s already been about a year of working here, after a few months of unemployment following being laid off from my last job. I’ve applied at a lot of places, especially anywhere with remote work, but nothing has paid off. Someone had contacted me about a warehouse manager position several weeks ago, but after the phone interview…nothing. Probably because the position claims to require an associate’s degree, which I do not have. It kind of made me think maybe I should look into going back to school at least to finish up whatever the fastest associate’s degree would be. Ugh. I’ve wasted so much time. I also know that going from no classes to taking on a full-time schedule while working full-time is a bad idea, because I’ve done that several times. It’s just not sustainable when I don’t really enjoy a lot of the classes. However, it would open some doors, there’s a few things I’ve seen that require an associate’s that I’d otherwise be well-qualified for. I feel like it’s been long enough that some of my credits might not be good anymore, and I’m not interested in paying to retake classes I’ve already passed. I should look into it or talk to an advisor I suppose.

Of course, I don’t really want to stick around here, so would that even make sense? Nothing has worked out here, and the people I talk to or hang out with somewhat regularly I can count on one hand. I don’t go downtown unless there’s a concert, and shit is expensive here. Why even be here? Unless something were to happen with music or wrestling, or I found a good relationship, I have no ties here. Although, moving somewhere doesn’t mean much if you’re dealing with life the same way and the same situations crop up again. I also don’t know where I’d go besides back to Medford or to stay with a friend in Dallas. Going back home is not something I’m interested in. I can’t blame my hometown for all of my depression by any means, but it’s still small, rotting and devoid of many jobs or opportunities. I didn’t enjoy it then, and judging by how many of my relatives are Trumpers now, I’d certainly enjoy it even less being around them. And aside from being around my family, I can’t think of any reason to go there. I do feel bad that I left 16 fucking years ago and have absolutely nothing to show for it, but it is what it is. Too much time has passed for me to really feel obligated, I guess. I’ll keep in touch with my immediate family, but anyone else, it’s like I don’t really know them at this point. That feels like a couple lifetimes ago. The only direction to go is forward. It’s just a matter of which way forward. Our lease is up or needs to be renewed in February, so that’s a reasonable amount of time to try to figure out what I want to do differently, if anything.