The Unreleased Cut in A New Chapter

The weekend was alright.
My wife is sick and she has been bedridden for the last few days. She has one of those summer flus. I’m surprised no one else got it but I think her immune system is weak because of the pregnancy. I have been assuming extra responsibilities so she can get extra rest. I’m pretty tired haha

I have given it some extra thought and I’m going to share the unpublished entry from 2012. I think it reflects a darker time in my life and its worth remembering. I had bouts of depression throughout my 20s, specially after I left college. I decided not to pursue a higher education career and it broke my heart a bit. In retrospective, it was the right choice. Everyone I know who did, mostly regrets it. I had some friends and a lot of them moved, it felt like from one year to the other, everyone I knew vanished. I had also broken up with my college girlfriend, which was coming. We remained close friends but it still hurt a bit.

This entry kicks off by describing a dinner/guys night out I planned for a friend that was getting married. I tried to take them to a really nice restaurant but I should have thought more about that. Without sounding like an ass, the group I was with was a “normal” group of guys.

“The outing went as well as I expected it to go. sort of.
We met downtown at around 6:30 PM. We were waiting for one of the guys to show up. Turns out he was having some bad car trouble so we got a little delayed with the plans/schedule. We decided to go into a bar while we waited. We had a few drinks and got semi-drunk kinda quickly to be honest. It was pathetic really. After, we decided to head over to the restaurant. I picked a pretty nice place that had quite a reputation. The food was delicious. I felt bad since we were a bit tipsy and perhaps a bit too loud but who knows.
As usual, bunch of grown men who are picky eaters and take shit out of their plate. Embarrassing.
A bit after we got there, the final person showed up. We finished our dinner and headed over to another bar. At this point it was around 10:00. We had a pretty good time at this bar just sitting outside and enjoying some drinks. This is where things got a bit iffy.
I had to drive home. The only person who did not have to drive home was the guy getting married. Some of us were taking it easy and he just kept stuffing shit in his face.
We went to a third bar and had a pretty good time at first. It was about midnight and I was ready to take off in all honesty.
I had like 2 final shots and decided to call it at that.
I had a bit of a weird moment right here.
The world just sort of stopped and I was completely alone. Something that keeps sounding off in my head kicked in.
“What are you going to do?”
There was people around me. smiling. laughing. enjoying. having a good time. Loving life I guess you could say.
But all I could feel..was a sense of dread and bitterness.
I could not relate to these people if my life depended on it. It was anguish. I was doing alright before because I was slightly tipsy.
Knowing I was different. I have always known I am different. But it was weird..getting struck with such a certainty. A certainty like I had never felt before. Just “knowing” it for sure.
Suddenly it all came crumbling down. Everything I knew and was accepting.
It’s not going to change. I keep thinking a day will come when I will just feel connected but I don’t think it will come. I think I am doomed to forever just feel different.
I am not doing what I want with my life.
I don’t have a problem with my job. In fact, I kinda like it and the people I work with. They are not bad at all. The money is alright too.
It’s just not what I had in mind..but then again, what I had in mind might never happen.
Kinda have been liking 2 different people. Got over 2 different people. kinda. might not be over the second one yet.
The first one was just unrealistic and was never going to happen. Besides, she was fucking the boss.
The second one? lol I have no idea. Just seems improbable beyond belief. I have gotten to know her really well.
She is a very special person I would say. Never met anyone quite like her as cliche as it sounds. Just daddy issues.
She knows it and admits and tries to fight it but she can’t.
Constantly working to get that love. Just like with her dad. Never got the love.
While I do think she is special, I can stop bullshiting and say she is insanely attractive. She was a runner up for Miss Connecticut a few years back. We flirt and hint at the things we want to do to each other. She def. gives me the hots but I see more. The chances of me getting this one are mathematically impossible I think. If I do, ill start going to church because I swear it would be a fucking miracle of the saints of the highest order.
It was hard to come home that night. Sit there.
I have wanted to maybe cry for a long time but..the tears just won’t come out. It has been years since I last cried. It won’t come out. Not a drop.
So I just sat there..with dim lightning..looking at the ceiling. Feeling a bit icky from food and drinks.
Wishing my life was different. Wishing I was happier. Wishing maybe I lived somewhere else. Wishing that I had her.
But life is not fair. We don’t always get what we want or wish or dream for. It is not a movie in which you close your eyes and a montage of 20 years has gone by. It is slow. Dragging on. Painful.”

The second girl I knew for a while. We spoke most nights, over skype, texting, phone, etc. She was going through a rough time herself and we kinda connected. She was a painter and we would discuss our artistic aspirations. Looking back, she was not a good partner for me. I think I saw things incorrectly at the time because of my situation.

We had spoken about meeting in person and had planned for it early into 2013. I asked her how she felt about things and she replied “well, I think you should know. specially if we stay up talking until 4-5 in the morning all the time.” Silly me. During the holiday season she had some sort of breakdown and she ended up in a mental hospital. After that, we kind of stopped talking, little by little. It hurt a lot but she knew she had to go out and see the world to appreciate it once again. I think she went to a farm, just to appreciate the simple life. No idea what she is up to but I hope she is doing well.

Months after we stopped talking I was at a bar, bummed out, late at night. An old timer came over to ask what was wrong, he called me “son.” I explained the situation and laughed a bit. I still remember his words. “While its not happening, you learned a lot and you will make better choices in the future. Even if she is gone, at that moment in time..she was with you. No one can ever take that way from you.”

The Aftermath:
-The guy mentioned and I are still friends. He is still married and (mostly) happy.
-Girl 1 was a girl at work. We spoke a few times alone and there was some tension (the good type.) Someone mentioned she was dating an upper manager. I started to back away for obvious reasons.
-I made new friends the next year and things started looking up.
-I went to therapy too and addressed my emotions. I learned some skills that I value greatly to this day. I highly recommend that you go if you’re thinking about it. It’s worth it.
-There was something poetic about a lot of this happening near the end of 2012. It did feel like my world was ending.

Time to start the week.

Music: Vanished by Crystal Castles

See You Later Space Cowboy.