Breaking up in 2023

I wish we had broken up. It wouldn’t feel like this if I knew somehow that you were out there somewhere. Living.

I could hate you.
Blame you.
Be angry at you.

Pretend that it wasn’t as perfect as it was.

It would be easier to get over you if I hated you when you died, instead of loving you so deeply that my heart died with you.

Day 494 and I woke up with my face & pillow damp with tears. I don’t remember the dream but do I even need to, to know it was about you? To know it hurt? To know I relived it? To know it will never ever be okay.

I want to get absolutely shitfaced drunk. Just completely fucking blotto. I’ve been putting it off, afraid that once I start I won’t stop. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad? To be loaded 24/7 and give zero fucks .. feel nothing .. do nothing .. be nothing. I’ve never been much of a drinker but if ever there was time, it would be now.

I just don’t want to feel anything anymore.