I'm Not Batman in poetry

look
let’s get real here
I’m not Batman
despite the rumours you may have heard
on the gawkers and the tee-emm-zees
and all the youtube vlogs about me
I’m not Batman
I’m sorry but I’m just not
I don’t even understand how this all got started

you have no proof that I am Batman
I was even in the room with Batman
that day when Batman was an old man
with a distinct British accent
so get over it
I’m clearly not Batman

I was also in the same room as Batman
that time when Batman was two feet shorter
and obviously twelve years old
so I can’t be Batman
I don’t know where the tabloids come up with this stuff

and come on now
just because Batman’s shape-shifting Martian friend J’onn
disappeared right before I was in the same room as Batman
that doesn’t mean I’m Batman
you’re confusing correlation and causality
you should go back to school
brush up on your logic
I’m not Batman

but if you have any lingering doubts
recall that time I was in the same room as Batman
when he looked oddly like a hastily repainted Superman robot
I mean for really real
that proves I’m not Batman

just because I have a large collection
of avant-garde pizza cutter designs
that just happen to look like
bat-shaped boomerangs
that doesn’t make me Batman
grow up for God’s sake
people collect stuff

anyway
now that we’ve cleared that up
I have to go now
and capture the Joker

I MEAN THE JOKER WHO’S BEEN STEALING MY MAIL
Jesus
you’d take that out of context wouldn’t you
my magazines have been missing for weeks
I have no idea what the new colognes are
because I haven’t been able to get samples
it’s driving me crazy

I’m not Batman
I’m not Batman
I’m
not
Batman