fading fantasy and footnotes in Second 1st

This morning Destiny’s van wouldn’t start.... I’m waiting to hear from her about if I need to go give her a jump to get her home..... other wise I have a few moments to catch up....

I want to go over something simple and recent.... like yesterday recent. Honestly, didn’t realize it bothered me till this morning.

Jake and I met up for lunch yesterday (which I paid for per usual) He mentioned going to the Ren Faire with a friend of his then said “I think I’ll end up cancelling because I’ll have to pay for a good bit of her stuff. I mean you know how that is.”..... Then, I was talking about how I can’t wait to beable to make food at my house again and he brings up that it’s going to be a bit till he’s able to move cause Cassie (ex-wife, mother of Cian) will be upset because he won’t have a car. .... Yes, I was aware.... It’s just upsetting to hear.

So Jake won’t be moving right away… fine.... there are still things to look forward to and more so that Jake won’t be there.... we will have a new routine to start and unpacking to do.... that is as long as things stay the course....

The loan officer keeps asking for things he likely needs but he always adds “If I don’t get this soon we may have to postpone the closing date.” .... I hate that shit....

I’m feeling like a real fuck up right now. Like .... look at all you did.... sold a house and moved 500+ miles.... figuring out how to keep everyone happy.... and for what? .... I’m going to get a new house and be closer to my bestie.... and lover.... It just feels like a big disappointment. It’s just fantasy fading. I saw his potential.... I see his potential.... and like so many before ..... There is a good/real/plausable reason for everything that man is refusing to do....

I just really wanted to make a note of my current feelings..........

I am angry with myself for allowing a fantasy to become so close to reality that it looked possible. I honestly believe that there will always be something preventing Jake from moving in with us ..... unless I’m rid of Rocky....

by the time the car situation is fixed his mother will need him .... she’s okay now.... she can drive and cook/clean herself.... but she can’t seem to make her own appointments.... Jake and her share a Google account so that all their Calander stuff can be found together....that is directly a result of Jake just being lazy about making his mom her own account..... she is not technically inclined or willing to learn more than basic use of her phone.

So lets say Jake gets a car … He will still be going back and forth to get his son.... Which Jake has stated more than once he doesn’t believe is his.... hell Dest doesn’t believe it’s his.... $250 would fix that.... one way or the other and as soon as we can hang out with Cian we will see what we can do about that.

No matter what happens between us (Jake and I) I will always be in his corner. If the great love story doesn’t pan out I want his life to be better for having me in it.... I want soo much for him. sigh I just need to figure out what he also wants for himself.... what he’s willing to work towards....

Dest got a new kitten.... there are now 8 cats and 1 kitten in her house. This kitten is.... well a kitten. I have always loved cats and dogs but.... 9 cats… and Nouget in a kennel :( ..... These cats make me a bit sick.... each morning I have to make sure they don’t get in the basement when I come up or toss something down the stairs.... There have been a few instances where cats had to be herded back upstairs....

Any second now I’ll get a call (or not) to go rescue Dest…

Jake is on his way back from a Dr. visit with his mom… then I think he gets Cian today.

Closing on the new house is till set for the 23rd....

Going to see Glass Animals August 24th in Detroit. It started out Dest asking me if I would go with her $40 a ticket … I can’t do that kinda thing anymore … the noise… the stress… so I decided that if I could get the guys to come it would make things a ton better.... so then it was me, Rocky, Jake, Lou.... and then I felt horrible that I would have both my guys there and no one for Lou to hang with.... so I bought a ticket for “guest of your choice” .... I then got $60 tickets so we would have seats because.... omg standing for all that time would just not go well.... and a good parking pass because when we leave I’ma wanna go.... so $80 turned into like $700 ooops guess we even now lol