Why wont' it go away? in Age 36

I am going to therapy. I am journaling. I am taking my meds. Why won’t these feelings of inadequacy go away? I think they started last night when my husband said that he had booked a cabin for him and his friends. This is normal. This is healthy. He is entitled to his own time. I am no co-dependent. But what this does solidify at least in my mind is that I am worth crap.

NO ONE WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH ME.

I am here for work. To fill a function. I am not here to enjoy life. I am here to make sure the household chores are done. I am here to child rear. AM I EVER HERE TO ENJOY LIFE? I now know why I cling so dearly to my job. Because it fills me with a sense of purpose like, someone needs me. Though it cannot touch me physically, it can fill my void. I want to feel alive. I want to feel. I don’t. I don’t feel a damn thing. I feel isignificant. I feel like a speck of dust that holds no weight anywhere.

If I am gone, whether it be at work or gone gone, my absence would only be felt because I am not functioning. The cog in the wheel is not there to turn. One of the rowers is not there to row with the others. I hate feeling this way. Because logically I know its not true. I logically know it, but this is not logical is it? There is no place for logic when your thoughts tell you you are worth shit. And not even a shit you flush, but one you forgot to flush and is discovered at a later time.

There is no one excited by me being here. At least I don’t feel it. Its always can you do this, or leaving me to my own devices so that I can continue to do my tasks. I am worth no one’s effort. At work, one of the girls tells me that she likes when she works with me because she knows things will get done. Woo. So I am a great worker bee. What would one discover if they were to get to know me? I don’t know if they would discover anything. I feel dead inside most of the time.

What did I do? who did I offend in life or in the universe to get here? To have a partner in life that does not live life with me unless its scheduled on vacation? I crave conversation. I crave acknowledgement. I crave to be seen. I feel so bereft. When did normal responsibilities in life become excuses that were acceptable to one?

I know I have a very romantic view of love in my mind. I read about how the guy is always doing anything he can to be with the girl and vice versa. But why does that end at some point? Even in friendship, why does it end? Friends that I try to make don’t....stick. The common denominator is me. Thus if you follow the math there…

Its me. (Fucking Taylor Swift.)

Again there is no room for logic here. Only venting on the current emotions that want to swallow me up and my traitorous barbaric mind that tells me I am worth shit. Thoughts that this will always be how it is. That nothing will ever change. I hate my brain. I find so much refuge in books, knowledge, and learning because without those skills I fear I am nothing. There is not one thing that is unique about me. There is not one thing or skill I can boast of.

I am so sick of feeling this way. Numb Little Bug comes to mind. Where she sings that things are not great, but you don’t want to die. That’s how I feel. Sometimes I wish I were suicidal so that I can just see an end to this. But I am not. I value life. I find life to be a blessing, when one feels blessed. Because like myself, although one is blessed, they do not feel it. And there in lies the problem.

Thank goodness for sites like this where I don’t know if anyone is actually reading. Not that it matters. Point is, I can vent. I can scream what is in my heart at the moment and shout what is in my mind and though no actual ears hear me, my soul is lightened a little. 6 weeks until 37. I wonder what I’ll be writing when I start that book in this journal.