some good in Each Day

I had the best day last Sunday. I want to start here because it was such a good day. Red was visiting her parents, so Red’s husband, Mandy, Red’s husband’s bestie and I went to a local brewery that was also hosting some artisans and independent book sellers. I bought a plant, and got a radler and nachos. After a leisurely hang, we went downtown to a favourite store where I bought a cute little glass octopus for our fish tank, a hand held fan because I hate the heat, and a silver chain so I can wear the jewel of a necklace M gave me in 2010, which he bought in Dubai when he was on leave from his tour. After that we went to the mall, we all had places we wanted to visit, and they bought me a fancy starbucks cold tea drink as a thanks for driving.
That evening we all went to Lilly’s house for a “weenie roast”. It was very cute. The food was excellent. But it was a hot day, and I’d already been out (in the shade) for a few hours, and I couldn’t quite stay in the shade at Lilly’s. I ended up having to leave not long after I got there, and I had a headache before I even got home.
Well that headache lasted into Monday, and I called in sick. Tuesday was ok, but Wednesday I felt weird. Just, off, kinda sick, exhausted, achy. I ended up cancelling going to craft night, which I was really bummed about. I took a covid test, it was negative. I felt shitty all day, and woke up feeling relatively normal Thursday.
One day during lunch with M I told him that this heat stress reaction has really thrown my desire to exist into crisis. I have been saying this in a variety of ways all summer, but I don’t want to do 40 more years of feeling like this every fucking summer. I haven’t done a thing in the garden. I haven’t been to the gym class I enjoy. Haven’t been able to mountain bike. I haven’t ridden my motorcycle since the spring. I can barely go outside on hot days, which has been so many days this summer. M expressed worry and seemed scared at the idea, but I needed to be blunt about it. I feel bad for scaring him, but that’s nothing compared to what it’s like living in my head.
Then Friday morning, I don’t know what the deal was, but I just did not want to participate in the day. I even posted “I don’t wanna” as a FB status before I got out of bed. I went to work and just felt weird. Kinda miserable, kinda tired. Just looking forward to the end of the day. We always have the news or current events on a tv in a nearby part of the cube farm I work in, and I could hear this insane news report about a judge handcuffing and forcing a child to wear a jumpsuit for falling asleep while on a school trip. Apparently the family is homeless and sleeping in their car, so no one’s getting proper rest.
One of my coworkers, known for his loud opinions - usually not thought through but not often malicious - started going off about how being homeless isn’t an excuse to disrespect a judge, and some other shitty things. The only way I can describe it is that I broke. Two weeks ago I had to tell him to stop talking about biology in the Olympics because some people may be hurt by the conversation. Friday, I just couldn’t. I sat, frozen at my desk, raging. And when I tried to think about what to say this panic rose in me, and I knew I was about to cry. So instead of walking his way, I walked out of the office, down the hall to the women’s washroom, and I sat in there and cried. I messaged M. I called my therapists office but she wasn’t available. I tried to figure out what I needed. M was worried, he called me moments after I got back to my desk. I’d returned with a plan to speak to the acting big boss - who happens to be my favourite, Old Boss. Except he was out of his office. I ended up talking to another member, she and I are so alike it’s uncanny. She pulled me into Old Boss’s office and we chatted a bit. Then she sent me home. After I talked to a social worker first, though. M left work, met me in the parking lot before the SW appointment, and when I went in he told me he’d meet me at home. I was only with the SW a few minutes, she gave me her card, and said if I needed to use it, at least I had a way to get ahold of her.
I was able to put the moment into words better this evening, talking to M. I said that the moment, listing to this guy, trying to figure out what to say, I had to decide between my values, and my mental health. It’s a really terrible choice for someone who’s entire way of being centers around justice.
I went home, and M and I tried to have a chill afternoon, but I was still feeling off. Old Boss called me to check in and see how I was doing, and after giving him the short version, we agreed I’d come see him when I’m back at work to chat.

The rest of the weekend wasn’t as bad, but M had a huge mood crash himself Saturday morning, and I left the house just to get away from him. I spent the afternoon with Plant Aunt. She showed me her garden and we went for sushi and a wander around Winners. It was nice. Early into the visit M texted me saying he was feeling better and that I could come home any time, but I waited a few hours to reply. I didn’t want to feel pressure to leave PA because M said it was safe to come home. We had a really nice visit, and I got home eventually.
Today was kind of hilarious though. I sent this text to Bird Guy: “This morning was pretty chill. Went from hosting D&D at the house (cancelled) to going to breakfast (cancelled) to going to the waterfront to people watch and check out the farmers market (cancelled) to getting a burrito from a new shop that opened (they were closed) to going to a local meat shop and M getting a bunch of burgers, going to another burrito place where I got fish tacos, and then eating them in a Canadian Tire parking lot 🤣 It’s been an adventure”.
After getting home we hung around, I did some embroidery (I didn’t mention the life-size stumpwork Monstera Albo that I started because I am clearly insane), and then played an insane number of repetitive games on my phone.
Tomorrow I’m off, so I’ll be playing Horizon Forbidden West all day if I’m lucky.
I see Tina on Wednesday. Our last session she conceded I need anti-anxiety meds when I go to the dentist, after yet another panic attack in the chair (but plus side I got my front teeth fixed for the first time since I was 18 - I’d broken them off when I was 7, falling off my bike face first, and the edges were chipped.
Who knows what Tina will have to say after I tell her about this last week. I’ve felt worse, darker, more hopeless, more sad and scared. But now the hopelessness just feels like a fact. That my end feels like an inevitability. I have no plans, I don’t want to kill myself, but I am so over this bullshit. I have a great life. I am so fortunate in so many ways. But when I am hot I see none of that. All I feel is miserable, dysregulated, full of rage, and utterly defeated.

I’m losing the battle clawing my way back from defeat.