Friday July 12th 2024 12:26 AM in Tales From Inmate #00JI61500

It’s 100 days since I drank.
I woke up that Thursday evening hungover, court looming over me the next morning. Made the promise to myself that this was it. If I was able to make it unscathed from the judge this was the time! I’m not sure if I was lying to myself like so many times before.

As I was sitting behind locked doors in the holding area after my sentencing I could only think, ” Another fine mess you’ve gotten me into.” I had renewed a vow to myself that weekend as I adjusted to jail life, “Never again!” The beige concrete ceiling above me only stared back.

My first celly was another alcoholic. We watched each other’s back after someone stole from him twice. The second time I was sleeping in my bunk when it happened. Guy just waltzed in, grabbed a soup then split. A fight almost broke out because of it but the main point is the guy was called out and everyone kept a close eye on him after that. I’m getting off track.

One of my last celly’s was a drinker, too. Became one during the pandemic. He was in on a violation of probation and had been in since November. He is looking at a October early release for good time. DUI. We both repeated to each other our vows of sobriety and flying the straight and narrow when released.

And yet after all that I still found myself mentally parkouring the hoops in my mind to rationalize getting some beer. I don’t even like beer anymore. This is what my brain does. Tries to convince itself all is well. If jail time still brings out the slime like tentacles of addiction, oozing it’s foul bile through the spaces between the boards where I try to keep it locked away. If that can still happen…

But then again I only met one person who was a first timer like me. Everyone else had scrolls worth of former arrests and convictions.

This only started as…a rant? Better thought but then petered out. Yes, that’s it. (As my mind has cleared I can write better.) More like just became a therapeutic stream of thought.

Nothing to see here, move along.

Edit:

4:06 AM

Currently stuffing a sandwich into my face. Over the course of the last three hours I’ve been deep cleaning the depression mess out of my bedroom. Depression mess being where everything piles up, things get dirty and you don’t give it a second thought. Too much effort to clean, who cares. All those familiar thoughts.

My bed and sofa has piles of books, video games and other detritus laying about. My dresser, that has been in disuse for years, now sit on the front curb. A rather large pile of dust, fur and small debris has been swept and trashed.

I’m tired now. Even though I slept the day away (got up around 9 PM, rest schedule is off again) I think I’m gonna rest up for a while. A full day of errands lay ahead and I need to be alert.

Another sandwich sounds good, I worked up an appetite.

Last updated July 12, 2024