The Need to Cry in All About Hikaru/Yuki

I thought I’d cry last night. In the middle of that crowded show. I thought I’d really just bring down. Instead I got high. And made incredibly innapropriate remarks all night. Now I have trouble finding the tears again. And I cant sleep. Restless but exhausted. Nothing helps. Youd think not crying as much would mean I’m getting better but it doesnt. It means my brain cant handle being sad so its shut it off. Like a spigot. Not just the sad. The empathy. And that’s bad. It’s very very bad. I could become quite dangerous. I’ll have to be careful now, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to do that. Too much going on as it is. How am I supposed to be a CNA and heal people and love people if I cant even care about them right now? The closest thing I have to feelings right now is a growing hatred for my OB. Gonna have to squelch that one pretty quick. Hatred isnt allowed. Especially not right now. I could really hurt people. No real way to stop me other. If I admitted myself to a mental institution theres be people who are even easier to hurt so I cant do that. If I went to jail I’d simply make a bunch of friends that are bad for me. I wish I had someone to talk to who understood what it was like to have no empathy but still want to be a good person. I wish I could talk to Jay. Hed make me cry and I’d start to feel better. Hed understand I think. Unfortunatly, that seems to be an incredibly innapropriate request. Or at least I’m worried it would be. I dont know how to ethically go about asking for such a thing. So I’m stuck. I wish I could sleep. Shouldn’t have smoked so many cigarettes last night.